


Inch by Inch

by Leliane



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Quits Hunting, Happy Ending, M/M, No Sex, Not Dark, Sick Dean Winchester, Stanford Student Sam Winchester, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-06-05 09:48:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15168020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leliane/pseuds/Leliane
Summary: Sam is in love with Dean. Dean is not in love with Sam. But Dean loves Sam and would do anything for him. Inch by inch Dean lets himself be dragged into a relationship he never really wanted.





	1. Can I stay?

**Author's Note:**

> I read some stories in which Sam or Dean confesses his love and the other is all "Oh, I felt like that for years, too." I wanted to try something else, so in this story there is no requited love in the beginning. Instead we have Dean's very unhealthy behaviour of doing everything to make his brother happy. I am curious to see what other people think of the idea and my interpretation of it. 
> 
> I originally wrote only Dean's part and then thought it would be nice to write Sam's part too. So every chapter is told from two perspectives, first Dean's, then Sam's, with some differences.

_**Dean** _

 

Dean had been in Palo Alto for two days when he watched his brother move out from his girlfriend’s. He thought about going over and offering help, but couldn’t bring himself to do so. Sam had left without saying good-bye and Dean was scared what he would say if Dean showed up out of the blue. Besides, Sam seemed to only have two boxes and a suitcase that he loaded into a rental car, he didn’t really need help.

 

It was a few hours later, spent sitting in the Impala and thinking, that Dean finally dared to try and go talk to his long lost brother. It was funny, how he could face monsters without blinking, but was too much of a chicken to talk to his brother. It was that thought that finally brought him out of the car and up the stairs to Sam’s new apartment.

 

Sam’s face was the best thing he had seen for ages. He had become taller, stronger, more mature and even though Dean hated the fact that he was now smaller, he was proud too. His little brother was a man now. And it was so good to see him again!

 

„Dean,“ Sam said softly. The look on his face could best be described as wonder, as if Dean was the last thing he expect to see. Dean assumed that that was the case. He forced a smile on his face to hide his insecurity about being here.

 

„Hey, Sammy.“ The nickname came automatically and Dean felt smug for not being corrected. He thanked a god he didn’t believe in when Sam stepped aside and let him in.

 

„What are you doing here?“ Sam didn’t exactly sound hostile, so Dean tried a little teasing.

 

„What a greeting. Don’t you at least want to offer me a beer?“ His attempt at humour obviously fell flat and he felt a bit embarrassed. Sooner rather than later he would have to tell his brother why he was there.

 

„I just didn’t expect to see you here. Like... ever.“ Sam stood there looking as awkward as Dean felt. It made Dean ache for the times where they knew each other so well that a look was enough to know what the other was thinking.

 

„Do you want me to leave?“ Dean kind of expected a yes or at least some lame excuse... but instead came a very fast „No.“ And a bit slower: „I am happy to see you.“

 

Dean smiled, relief flooding him, and he sat down on the matress on the floor. Now was the time to tell his brother what had led him to his doorstep, but he couldn’t really figure out how. He tried to think of a way to tell his brother he would die if he stayed a hunter and that he had missed him so much he wanted to spend his life with him, but came up blank. It didn’t help that Sam stared at him more and more intensly.

 

„Has something happened? Did a hunt go wrong? Where’s Dad?“ Trust Sam to not let the issue go so easily.

 

„Dad’s fine. Working on a job in Iowa.“ Dean was stalling by talking about their father. It was not as if Sam would care much. But it was easier than telling him why exactly he was on his doorstep.

 

„What about you?“ Sam had never been good at letting things go and now was no different. There wouldn’t be a better opening than this, so Dean decided to take his chance and just get it over with.

 

„I... I quit the job.“ That was a good start, Dean thought, but then he saw Sam’s face going dark. Dean realised, though, it was not out of anger. Sam was probably just confused – cause Dean hadn’t told him the whole story yet.

 

„Why on earth? You loved being a hunter. Saving people, hunting things, the family buisness...“ Sam knew him so well. It was painful to hear him say the truth.

 

„I still love it,“ Dean sighed. „But...“ He took a steadiying breath and continued. „Two weeks ago I fainted on the job.“ His father had been pissed because the witch they had been hunting had got away, but Bobby had merely been worried. Healthy men in their mid-twenties didn’t just faint for no reason. „Bobby insisted on me having a medical evaluation. Turns out I have this heart-condition.“ The doctor had explained it to him for fifteen minutes and he still hadn’t really understood what it was all about. God, had he missed Sam in that moment, the genius would have understood and then explained it to him in little words. „The doctors said I couldn’t do stressful jobs or too much ‚physical exertion’.“ Now the truth was out. And Sam, he didn’t say a word, didn’t react at all.

 

„Surprise, heh?“ Dean said when he couldn’t stand the tension anymore. Before Sam said anything, he sat down next to him and Dean was kind of happy to feel him at his side. So far Bobby had been the only one who really cared...

 

„What are you going to do now?“ Sam’s voice was warm.

 

„Bobby offered me to join his buisness. I am considering it.“ Dean didn’t dare to say that the only thing standing between that offer and himself was Sam. If Sam didn’t want him here, he would go to Bobby’s. What else could he really do? Where else could he go to?

 

Sam put an arm around Dean and for the love of god, Dean didn’t have the strength to fight him off. He had never felt so alone in all his life, with Sam gone, his father mad and his calling out of reach. Even if Sam just did it out of pity for his sick brother, the gesture was appreciated at the moment. And by the positive reaction he had got so far, he dared to finally ask for what he really came for. „I also thought about...“

 

„Yeah?“

 

„I thought about living here. With you.“ His heart beat faster, almost like it did when he faced down a monster. He wondered if that could be healthy.

 

„I would love to have you around, De,“ Sam said with wide doe-eyes. Dean almost believed him.

 

„Really?“ he asked anyway.

 

„Really,“ Sam confirmed. „You are my only friend. And the only family I have.“

 

That was new. Why did he leave him behind, if that was true? But Dean didn’t want to argue, he was welcome, at least for now and he was happy about that.

 

_**Sam** _

 

It was a Saturday afternoon and Sam had spent it moving to a new apartment. The first year at college had been really tough. He had missed Dean so horribly that he could feel it physically. Then he had started a relationship with Jess and things had started to look up. He hadn’t exactly been happy, but content. She was hot, smart and not bothered by his lack of suaveness. He had opened up to her and they had a really good time together. He even moved in with her and for a long time it had really been good. But then something had gone wrong.

 

He had been shocked when Jess explained to him that her feelings for him didn’t run deep enough and that she wanted to break up. But he didn’t protest. He felt he had no right to ask more of her than he was willing to give. She would always just be second best to him. So he had packed his things (he still didn’t own much, although more than ever before in his life) and looked for another apartment. The one he had found was tiny and damp, but it was cheap. He had started law school in summer and couldn’t afford more.

 

But at least he had a place to stay. He had stayed in motels often enough to appreciate a permanent place. His furniture cinsisted of a matress and two boxes with books, but he guessed it was a start to a normal life. It would build from here.

 

He started looking through his books, to consider how to arrange them, when he heard a knock on the door. He didn’t have many friends, actually, all of his friends had rather been Jess’ friends. Growing up on the move had not taught him how to make friends or how to keep them. Although he got on well with almost everyone, he never let anyone really close. Which meant he had no clue who could be knocking on his door. For a moment he considered grabbing the only knife he had taken with him when he left his family before opening the door, but then he dismissed the thought. It was probably just a neighbour.

 

When he opened the door it was not a neighbour he saw, though, but the beautiful face of his brother. They had not even spoken since Sam had left for college five years ago. Seeing Dean brought back all the memories and all the pain of missing him. The desire to envelope him in his arms was strong, but he didn’t dare to follow that instinct. First they didn’t do that and secondly he didn’t think Dean would appreciate it. It was not as if they had left on good terms.

 

„Dean,“ he said softly. He got a charming smile in return, the kind that got women to swoon and usually helped his brother to get everything he wanted. Sam would have prefered one of his honest, vulnerable smiles, but Dean was always beautiful when he smiled, no matter which of his smiles he used.

 

„Hey, Sammy.“ For once he didn’t correct his brother to use his proper name, too glad to just see him. He just opened the door a bit wider to welcome him in.

 

„What are you doing here?“ John had told him to never come back or call, but Dean hadn’t said a word about that when Sam left. Still, knowing his stubbornness and how much Sam’s departure must have hurt him, he assumed something bad must have happened to bring his brother to his home.

 

„What a greeting. Don’t you at least want to offer me a beer?“ Dean smirked to overplay something and Sam hated both the fact that he was doing so and the fact that he didn’t know what Dean was overplaying.

 

„I just didn’t expect to see you here. Like... ever.“ He had never dared to hope... never dared to reach out... although he had thought about it often. He even still had the same phone number as five years ago, just in case.

 

„Do you want me to leave?“ Dean looked as if he expected a positive answer, but seeing him leave was the last thing that Sam had ever wanted. Dean was everything to him.

 

„No.“ It came out a bit too fast, so he added a bit calmer: „I am happy to see you.“

 

Dean smiled, more honest this time, and sat down on the only surface he could sit on: the bed (which was really just a mattress). He fiddeled a bit with his hands, a habit that was not typical for him. Something wasn’t right and Sam was starting to get anxious.

 

„Has something happened? Did a hunt go wrong? Where’s Dad?“

 

„Dad’s fine. Working on a job in Iowa.“ That didn’t really answer Sam’s questions, but at least it was good to know that his Dad was the same as ever. Sam really hadn’t missed him.

 

„What about you?“ It was unusual for their father to leave Dean behind. Sure, he had often done so when they were still kids, but not since Dean had left school with 16. Hunting was something that was better done in a team, so you had backup if things became difficult. And Dean had loved to go with their father, loved the job.

 

„I... I quit the job.“ Sam felt his face get dark. He had the tendency to look pissed, even when he was just confused. He could only hope Dean wouldn’t misunderstand.

 

„Why on earth? You loved being a hunter. Saving people, hunting things, the family buisness...“ It made sense for Sam to leave that life behind, he had never really liked being a hunter, always craved stability and normality. But Dean... He had been a dedicated hunter, and not only because he wanted to impress their father. He loved the thrill, loved knowing he did something good, loved being a hero.

 

„I still love it,“ Dean answered and he sounded pained. He had this look on his face, the one where he looked as if he wanted to cry, but he wouldn’t let it happen. Sam balled his fists at his side to keep himself from going over to his brother.

 

„But...“ He took a deep breath that fueled Sam’s worry. „Two weeks ago I fainted on the job. Bobby insisted on me having a medical evaluation. Turns out I have this heart-condition. The doctors said I couldn’t do stressful jobs or too much ‚physical exertion’.“ For a few minutes Sam couldn’t say a word. He was too shocked, more shocked than when Jess had broken up with him. Dean had always been so strong, so fast, such a good fighter. Way better than Sam, even after Sam was taller. And now he was too weak to be a hunter? It was unfair, truly unfair. The condition – whatever it was – could have hit Sam instead who wanted out of that life anyway. Instead it had hit Dean who was now forced to live the peaceful life he didn’t want.

 

„Surprise, heh?“ Dean said at last with a weird, forced smile, when Sam failed to react. He was almost squirming on the bed from uneasiness and Sam’s desire to touch him, to reach out for his beloved brother became too strong. He sat down next to him, close enough that their shoulders and arms touched.

 

„What are you going to do now?“

 

„Bobby offered me to join his buisness. I am considering it.“ Dean didn’t look at him and Sam could feel how much it hurt him to leave the hunting buisness to work in Bobby’s salvage yard. They both loved Bobby, but he was a hunter too. It was too close to the world Dean wanted to belong to. He would have to sit on the sidelines and watch, which would probably drive him mad.

 

Sam wanted to give his brother comfort, the way he had always received it from him when he was younger. He knew Dean probably would fight him off, but he slung an arm around his shoulders anyway. To his surprise Dean did not fight him or withdraw, but instead leaned against him a little. „I also thought about...“

 

„Yeah?“ Sam asked when Dean didn’t continue.

 

„I thought about living here. With you.“ His voice was small and quiet, almost as if he didn’t dare ask. The idea made Sam’s heart beat faster. He might get his brother back, the only person he had ever really loved. Dean, however, didn’t know why he had left. They usually didn’t talk about their feelings. Sam had sometimes tried, but John and Dean were very good at denial. And Sam – well he had denied a part of himself for years now. He had never told a soul about being in love with his brother, least of all Dean. How did you tell your brother that you had the hots for him? It would probably freak Dean out, and rightfully so.

 

„I would love to have you around, De,“ Sam heard himself say. It was the truth. He wanted Dean in his life, probably a bit too much, definitly too much. Sam had left his brother behind in the hopes of getting over that obsession with him. But he never had – and in the end it might not make a difference. Either way, he didn’t have the strength to walk from him again.

 

„Really?“ Dean and his stupid self-worth issues made Sam even more angry at their father. As if he would ever not want Dean around!

 

„Really,“ he confirmed. „You are my only friend. And the only family I have.“

 

Dean looked a bit confused, as if he didn’t really beliefe him completely. But then he smiled and in turn put his arm around Sam too.


	2. Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so hard to write - actually I rewrote the entire chapter several times. If you find any mistakes, they are probably from editing. I hope the confrontation between the two seems believable now. Kind of hard to get two stubborn men to talk about feelings and stuff...

_**Dean** _

__

Living with Sam was easy and difficult at the same time.

 

Easy because they knew each other so well, it was as if no time had passed at all. Dean was around the apartment all day, observing the neighbourhood, looking for a job and cooking for Sam. Almost like he did when they were still kids. One afternoon he found a broken TV in a dumpster. It took him two hours to fix it and from then on the two spent their nights watching old shitty movies together and cracking jokes about them. That he watched Dr. Sexy every afternoon before Sam came home was his dirty little secret.

 

It was also difficult, though, because Dean could tell that he wasn’t really welcome. For whatever reason Sam had allowed him to stay, he didn’t really mean it. And it became more and more obvious every day. Sam stayed out longer every day and went to bed earlier. After two weeks they hardly saw each other anymore. And when they did, the younger brother had a book in front of his eyes. Dean wanted to scream at him, but he guessed it was his own fault for trying to force something that just wasn’t meant to be.

 

So he finally made his decision and packed his things. It would just take him a few days to drive to Bobby’s and at least he didn’t need to worry about his income there. He wouldn’t leave without saying good-bye, though. He wasn’t that much of an ass.

 

„Dean,“ he heard a panicked yell when he was packing his things in the bathroom. He went out to the living room to confront Sam. „What is this?“

 

„I am leaving,“ Dean stated calmly, trying to hide his sadness.

 

„Why?“ Dean couldn’t remember ever having heard Sam so whiny.

 

„You obviously don’t want me here. You said you did, but you probably did so out of pity. That’s the last thing I need.“

 

„I don’t pity you. I really want you here.“ Sam sounded sincere, but Dean didn’t believe him. Sam’s actions spoke louder than his words and it was time to confront him.

 

„You avoid being in the same room as me. You hardly talk to me anymore.“ Dean threw the toileterie bag in his duffelbag angrily and closed it with more force than strictly necessary. His observations were correct, he had waited a few days with his decision for this precise reason and he wouldn’t let Sam talk himself out of it, future lawyer or not.

 

„Dean...“ Sam whined.

 

„You left. You left and I should just have accepted that. It was loud and clear as a message.“ Why? Why had he missed his Sammy so much? He had known the other didn’t want him around, and yet his first thought after stopping hunting had been ‚at least I can be with Sam again’.

 

„I never meant to leave you. I wanted to go to college and away from Dad and the hunting. But I never wanted to get away from you.“

 

„But you did. And you didn’t even say a proper good-bye.“ Dean was still angry about that, and their father’s anger at Sam had never sufficed as an excuse for Sam to have left without good-bye. Sam knew how much he meant to Dean. It took a while for Sam to respond, as if he was looking for something to say.

 

„I had to leave you because I love you.“ What the heck was that supposed to mean? „Because I am in love with you.“ Had he just heard that right? Sam couldn’t mean that, could he? Dean took two steps back at that and raised his hands in a defending, placating gesture. „You were the only one who took care of me, who _cared_ about me. I developed these feelings for you and they didn’t stop. I know that they are wrong and sick and that I _shouldn’t_ feel this way. But I can’t make it stop, it won’t go away, it didn’t even in the last five years. I knew I had to get away for my own mental health and to protect you from me.“

 

„To protect me from you?“ Dean didn’t have anything better to say. Protect him from what? Had Sam wanted to jump him in the shower or what? He knew Sam, although not as well as he had thought, but he felt safer around him than without him.

 

„Cause you are kind and sweet, in your own special way. And I am dark and twisted.“ Dean agreed with the first part to a certain extent. He could be kind of an asshole, but on the whole he tried to be a good guy, not always with success. The second part however, he didn’t see. Okay, maybe Sam had sick, incestuous feelings, but the words dark and twisted hardly seemed appropriate to describe him. „I am afraid that I will hurt you.“

 

Sam had retreated back to the wall during his little speech and now he sunk to the floor. Dean looked at his brother’s huge frame that right now looked like an allegory of misery. And he knew with absolute certainity that Sam would never hurt him, never force himself on Dean. Not only because Dean could – and would – kick his ass if he tried. No, but because Sam was the most gentle person ever. „No, Sam, that’s nonsense. You wouldn’t.“

 

„You don’t know what it’s like to be within reach all the time and not allowed to touch.“ The words were barly above a silent whisper, but Dean heard him anyway. And he understood an important fact. No matter how weird it was for him to have his brother in love with him, the whole situation was much worse on Sam. Dean wanted to stay here, have the only person who really mattered to him anymore right beside him. Maybe there was still a way, because seeing him sitting on the floor now, sunk in, trying to make his huge body smaller, hiding behind his long hair, Dean couldn’t be afraid. Or disgusted.

 

Okay, so he wasn’t gay and would probably punch someone who ever implied it. But he also wasn’t a homophobe. And the incest thing... He could not imagine having the hots for his brother, because Sammy was Sammy. But then again, it wasn’t as if they had ever been normal. It added just another layer to their unhealthy relationship. And he rather have Sam in love with him than anybody else. It was Sam... the boy who had been the center of his life since he was four years old.

 

„So, you are okay with me staying here?“ he finally asked. Sam only nodded, dejectedly. „Would... would it be possible for you to just ignore those... feelings?“ Dean asked, still hoping to go back to where they had been before, but then Sam shook his shoulder.

 

„I don’t know,“ he chocked out. „It gets more difficult every day.“

 

„What... What would you... do... need?“ Man, why was talking about feelings so damn difficult? Maybe if it had been the other way around, Dean could have got rid of this with the help of Jack Daniels and some women, but Sam would neither drink himself numb nor sleep around.

 

Sam took an awful long time to answer and Dean was almost convinced he would have to force him. It seemed to cost him a lot of energy at the end to stumble through an answer. „I don’t know. Just touching you sometimes would be nice. Holding your hand, stroking your hair... little things.“ Okay, that didn’t sound too terrible. He could probably put up with some touches. After all it was just Sam...

 

„No sex?“ That was a deal-breaker and they both knew it. Sam would not only have to answer correctly, but also honestly.

 

„I don’t need sex.“ Dean believed him. He could hear the thruth in his brother’s voice. And he knew that that Jess-girl had been the only person Sam had ever slept with. Sam was way better at living celibate than he was.

 

It was in his hands now. Could he live with his brother knowing that Sam was in love with him? Or was it easier to live without him? Could he accept a few touches once in a while or not? There was only one logical conclusion: He had to try. He could still punch Sam in the face and leave him, if he tried something too weird. But knowing Sam that would never happen.

 

„Fine,“ he agreed quietly.

 

„What?“ Sam’s whole body screamed disbelief and Dean couldn’t hold it against him.

 

„I said fine,“ Dean reapeated louder and surer. „If this is the only way I can stay with you... fine...“

 

 

_**Sam** _

Living with Dean was easy and difficult at the same time.

 

Easy because they effortlessly fell into a routine with each other, both used to living in close quarters together. Dean cooked (and got better at it every day) and looked for jobs during the day while Sam continued studying. But instead of hanging out with Jess’ friends after school, he went home and spent the evening with Dean. Dean organised an old TV on which they could watch crappy movies together, huddled on the mattress and leaning against the wall. Overall they had a lot of fun together. Almost like when they had been kids. They never talked about Dean’s health after Dean’s first night back and Sam still wasn’t sure about the details, but he didn’t dare ask, not yet. Overall, living with Dean brought Sam a peace he had not felt in a long time.

 

Living with Dean was also difficult, though. Because it became harder and harder for Sam to force his attraction down. Dean had been his mother, his brother, his only friend and companion all his life. He was Sam’s entire universe. There had never been enough space in his heart for someone else and so Sam had fallen for him before he really knew what falling meant. And now... they shared a bed, a bathroom and almost every free minute. And Sam couldn’t touch, couldn’t kiss, not even watch. And it became harder every day. On colder days he wanted to peel Dean out of every layer he had. On hot days he had to force himself to look away from the little bit of skin he sometimes saw on the stomach and all the time on the neck. And almost every time he so much as looked at his brother he thought him to be the most beautiful being on earth. It didn’t help that he was also funny and caring... in one word the perfect man.

 

Sam reacted to his wrong attraction by distancing himself from the object of his desire. He started to stay in the library longer, to go to bed earlier, to hide behind books. It didn’t take Dean long to realise what was going on. For about a week he didn’t say anything, just observing and gathering data. And then, one day, Sam came home to find Dean’s duffelbag packed on their bed. Despite the difficulty of keeping his hands to himself, he did not want Dean to leave! Ever! He had tried that way before and it hadn’t made him happy.

 

„Dean,“ he yelled panicking. Dean came out of their bathroom, bag with his toileteries in hand. „What is this?“

 

„I am leaving,“ Dean stated calmly. His face was closed off, not telling Sam much and that was how Sam knew his brother was hurting – again.

 

„Why?“ Sam was surprised that his voice sounded that whiny, but then... Dean had just come back to him and threatened to leave again. Sam wasn’t sure how he would go through a separation again.

 

„You obviously don’t want me here. You said you did, but you probably did so out of pity. That’s the last thing I need.“ Dean sounded angry and accusing and that in turn riled Sam up.

 

„I don’t pity you. I really want you here,“ Sam stated aggressively. Dean snorted at that.

 

„You avoid being in the same room as me. You hardly talk to me anymore.“ He threw the toileterie bag in his duffelbag and closed it.

 

„Dean...“ Sam tried, because he had no idea what else he could say. He just knew that he didn’t want to give Dean up again.

 

„You left. You left and I should just have accepted that. It was loud and clear as a message.“ Dean sounded beat and it broke Sam’s heart. Had he really destroyed everything between them by leaving? All the trust and love Dean had had for him? That had never been his intention, on the contrary.

 

„I never meant to leave you.“ Sam sounded just as desperate. „I wanted to go to college and away from dad and the hunting. But I never wanted to get away from you.“

 

„But you did. And you didn’t even say a proper good-bye.“ That was true and it was probably the greatest regret Sam had. But that morning he hadn’t had the strength to look his brother in the eyes and say good-bye. So he had left, before the other had woken up. He had been a coward and taken the easier route. Today he would be braver. Dean had a right to know the truth. He had a right to know why his brother left him and if he was angry or disgusted, it would just make things easier on him. Sam owed him that. Dean had put himself last so often that just this once Sam had to do the same. And Sam was about to lose his brother anyway, so what did it matter to come clear? At least he could be honest this time – and if Dean hated him afterwards, he had reason to give up hope to ever see him again. Maybe it would make things easier for both of them.

 

„I had to leave you because I love you.“ Dean looked confused at that, probably thinking Sam talked about brotherly love, so Sam continued. „Because I am in love with you.“ Dean took two steps back at that and raised his hands as if he wanted to defend himself. Sam sighed, but soldiered on. „You were the only one who took care of me, who _cared_ about me. I developed these feelings for you and they didn’t stop. I know that they are wrong and sick and that I _shouldn’t_ feel this way. But I can’t make it stop, it won’t go away, it didn’t even in the last five years. I knew I had to get away for my own mental health and to protect you from me.“

 

„To protect me from you?“ Dean parroted.

 

„Cause you are kind and sweet, in your own special way. And I am dark and twisted. I am afraid that I will hurt you.“ Sighing Sam sank to the floor, his legs too weak to support him anymore. Certainly Dean would leave for good now. It was sick, it was wrong and Dean was too good to have anything to do with it. Sam had always been the tainted one, he knew that. From behind his long fringes he watched, not ready to face Dean’s departure without that curtain of protection. But Dean didn’t move. He didn’t leave. He just stood there and watched Sam.

 

„No, Sam, that’s nonsense. You wouldn’t.“ And the funny thing was, it sounded as if Dean truly believed it.

 

„You don’t know what it’s like to be within reach all the time and not allowed to touch.“ First Sam wasn’t sure if Dean had heard him. But by the way he shifted uncomfortably he knew he must have. It was embarrassing to admit all this out loud, but Sam had promised himself to give Dean the truth this time. He couldn’t back down now.

 

„So, you are okay with me staying here?“ he finally asked. Sam only nodded, confused and hardly daring to hope. „Would... would it be possible for you to just ignore those... feelings?“ Sam shrugged, then shook his head.

 

„I don’t know,“ he chocked out. „It gets more difficult every day.“

 

„What... What would you... do... need?“ Dean seemed to almost chocke on the words and Sam knew how difficult it must be for him to talk about this. For putting in this effort Sam loved him even more. But he didn’t have an answer for Dean. He had never asked himself this question, never even considered the possibility. Instead he had run from his feelings, run from Dean and the entire situation. Out of his depth he shrugged again. When Dean’s look hardened he at least tried to give an answer. „I don’t know. Just touching you sometimes would be nice. Holding your hand, stroking your hair... little things.“

 

„No sex?“ Sam would love to have sex with Dean, but he knew that that was beyond discussion, beyond even his wildest imagination. But he was not overly active anyway, so he knew he could deny himself that.

 

„I don’t need sex,“ he said and meant it.

 

„Fine.“ Dean said it quietly and Sam was sure he had heard wrong.

 

„What?“ His voice was filled with disbelief and he knew it must have been evident in his face and body language as well.

 

„I said fine,“ Dean reapeated louder and surer, his face set in a stubborn frown. „If this is the only way I can stay with you... fine...“

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be travelling for a few days. Next update will be on the 19th of July.


	3. Petting his hair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No comments for the last chapter. Does that mean it was bad? I hope this one is better.

_**Dean** _

 

As Dean had hoped, nothing changed after their confrontation. Actually, it got better, because Sam stopped avoiding him. On the other hand, Dean was a bit on edge, waiting for Sam to act on his permission. What would he do if he finally did? Dean tried to ignore the thought and continued as if nothing had happened. After all, that was what he was best at.

 

So he forgot about his talk with Sam and focused on looking for jobs at a garage during the day. However, he kept coming up blank. He had never really worked as a mechanic before and had no formal training whatsoever – no one wanted to give him a chance.

 

On his way home from one more disappointing job-interview he saw a table and two chairs in a dumpster around the corner from their apartment. He had already aquired their TV that way, it was amazing what people threw away. It took a lot of justling and time to get home, but he could proudly put the new furniture in their tiny kitchen. Now they had at least something on which they could eat. Sam would be pleased and he liked eating at a table once in a while too. He smiled proudly when he presented them to Sam, insanely upbeat for some reason.

 

Sam grinned his most radiant grin and pulled him in a hug. That was not so unusual, but what was weird was that he didn’t let Dean go after a few seconds. Instead he tightened his grip around Dean who couldn’t move anymore. After all the emotional turmoil of the past few weeks Dean allowed himself to enjoy the comfort his brother’s hug gave him, even if it probably wasn’t brotherly for Sam. But it was nice to feel as if someone protected him from everything for a while and he could be just – Dean. He relaxed so far into that feeling of warmth and security that he even leaned a little against his now taller and stronger brother.

 

After a few seconds though, he had enough. There was only so much comfort he could take at a time and they really didn’t need to hug forever. He wasn’t sure how to get away from his brother, though, without offending him. Sam had been so happy. But before he could find a solution, Sam let him go willingly and Dean sighed a small sigh of relieve.

 

From then on it only got weirder. Sam was _everywhere._ One morning, when Dean was still shoveling cereals in his mouth and Sam already ready to leave for class, the other bent down and placed a kiss on his temple. Noone had done that since his Mom had died and it left Dean too shocked to even say something. He mulled over an appropriate reaction for half the day, but had forgotten it when Sam got home. He only remembered the next morning, when it happened again. After three days of the same game he just accepted this weird quirk of his brother’s.

 

There were a lot of innocent touches as well, a short stroke through his hair when Sam went past him, a clap on the back and similar things. He also got constant hugs. He had known Sam was more touchy-feely than him – but that much? That was new. Another thing Dean learned about his brother was that he liked cuddling while watching TV.

 

All the touching was unfamiliar, but not gross or weird. Maybe because it was so innocent or maybe because Sam was so great at reading him. He never pushed, never insisted when he realised that Dean wasn’t in the mood. And Dean never needed to say a word, it was as if Sam could read his mind.

 

The only thing that Dean really riled up was that hand-holding thing. It was way to couply for his taste, everything else he could explain away as brotherly affection or the general niceness of human interaction, but not this. Sam didn’t get the hint either and Dean had to tell him to back off until he finally let him alone.

 

He got so used to being touched after a while that he hardly realised it was strange anymore. It was their new normal and Dean didn’t hate it, although he wasn’t ready to admit that he liked it until one night where Sam got him to touch himself.

 

It began like always, Sam put an arm around him and Dean leaned a little against him to be more comfortable. Suddenly Sam’s hand left his upper arm and began stroking through his hair instead. Dean didn’t really understand this fascination with his hair. After all, it was short. He had never slept with a woman with such short hair, but he couldn’t imagine it was very interesting to be petting it.

 

„I should be doing that,“ he therefore commented after a while. „You are the one with the girly hair.“

 

„Would you?“ Sam asked shyly, momentarily stopping with his ministrations. Dean could phisically feel his excitement and joy at the thought. He didn’t like the idea too much, but he had never been able to say no to Sammy when he was like that. Besides, it wouldn’t hurt. It was just hair.

 

So Dean straightened up and pointed to his legs. „Put your head here.“ Just seeing Sam’s radiant, dimpled smile was already worth it, although Dean rolled his eyes rather than admit it.

 

Sam made himself comfortable on his legs and Dean dutifully began stroking through the long strands. They were surprisingly soft. He imagined silk must feel like this. Mesmerised he began to play with Sam’s hair, running his hands through it again and again. He almost missed Bruce Willis jumping off a roof, so distracted was he. But he didn’t miss that Sam enjoyed it immensly, closing his eyes and smiling blissfully. It warmed his heart to make his little brother smile like that – seeing Sammy happy had always been on the forefront of his mind throughout most of his life and being separated hadn’t changed that.

 

„Oh, Sammy, when you react like that... it’s almost worth it.“

 

„Only almost?“ Sam clarified, as always afraid he could take advantage of Dean. It was really endearing.

 

„Don’t worry,“ Dean sighed. „This is quite nice.“ He hated to admit this much out loud and he would never tell Sam how much he actually enjoyed it. But when Sam put his head on his lap again a few days later, he didn’t hesitate to repeat the hair-petting.

 

_**Sam** _

 

Sam had Dean’s permission to touch, now. At least more or less. But at first he couldn’t bring himself to make use of it, holding back instead, knowing Dean didn’t want it the same way he did. But after three days he already couldn’t resist anymore.

 

Dean came home with two chairs and a little table that he had found somewhere (probably a dumpster). His smile when he showed them to Sam was so beautiful and he was so damn gorgeous and happy that Sam just pulled him into a hug. Dean went willingly, leaning against him a littlw and it was the best thing ever, warmth and saftey and love. But after a while Dean got stiff and Sam reluctantly let him go.

 

They didn’t talk about it, but for Sam it was as if a dam had been broken. That night he put an arm around Dean when they watched TV and from then on he often did so. In the morning he usually gave Dean a short hug or a peck on the cheeck or temple before he left for school. Dean never commented on it, but Sam could usually tell from his reaction whether it was received well at the moment or not. When he felt Dean stiffen or shift, he brought some more distance between them, enjoying the moments when Dean let him.

 

Dean only really drew a line at holding hands. Whenever Sam tried, Dean stopped him, claiming he wasn’t a girl. After a while Sam stopped trying, accepting the refusal, grateful for all that Dean was willing to give him.

 

They lived like that for a few weeks and meanwhile Dean leaned against Sam when they watched TV, dragged in by the arm around his shoulders. Sam was exstatic about it, but he paid careful attention to not go too far. He didn’t want to force his brother into anything, after all he was the most important person in the world to him. One night when Dean was particularly heavy – and therefore relaxed – against him, Sam began to pet his hair. He stroke his fingers through the short strands and enjoyed their tickling.

 

„I should be doing that,“ Dean commented after a while. „You are the one with the girly hair.“

 

„Would you?“ Sam asked shyly, momentarily stopping with his ministrations. Dean was quiet for a while, until he suddenly straightened up.

 

„Put your head here,“ Dean said pointing to his legs. Sam could feel the huge smile on his face and Dean rolled his eyes. When Sam lied down and put his head on Dean’s legs, the older began to draw his hands through his long locks. Sam didn’t dare saying anything, afraid that Dean would stop. He loved the feel of the strong hands in his hair, the soft pull, the gentle massage. Most of all he loved being the center of attention to his brother. He closed his eyes to enjoy it without the distraction of the TV.

 

„Oh, Sammy, when you react like that... it’s almost worth it.“ Sam could hear Dean’s smile in his voice.

 

„Only almost?“ he clarified anyway. He wanted to be sure to not put pressure on Dean.

 

„Don’t worry,“ Dean sighed. „This is quite nice.“ It was the only time they ever talked about it, but Dean didn’t stop petting Sam’s hair for one and a half die-hard movies and did so again on many other nights.

 


	4. Sleeping together (literally)

_**Dean** _

 

„I will be home late tonight,“ Sam said before leaving one morning. „I need to finish my paper until tomorrow and will stay at the library.“ Dean just nodded in response, a bit distracted by his own problems. The money his Dad had given him as a parting gift was almost gone. He had really meant to have found a job already, but he had had no luck so far. Sam still had a full ride, but he didn’t have much to spare either. And they needed to eat... He wished he was capable of offering Sam more, because the genius deserved it.

 

He had fought with himself for several days to come to the decision to ask his father for help. Of course he couldn’t do that when Sam was there. He and their father had fought all the time before Sam had left and John had made it very clear that he didn’t want to see his youngest again. Dean didn’t want to find out how either would react to this phone call. Besides, it was not very likely their father would even help.

 

His Dad picked up after the third ring. „Dean, what is it?“ He sounded a bit drunk, but not too bad. Dean had found a good moment to call. He was still a bit afraid to ask for help. His father had managed to raise two kids on the road, he wouldn’t understand why Dean wasn’t capable of making some money. That credit card scams and hustling pool were out of the question if you intended to stay in a place longer than a few days he would probably overlook. And Dean didn’t have the heart to fight with him.

 

Sam had never had a problem to tell their father what he thought of him and his mistakes and all the points in which he disagreed. Sam always stood up for himself and everything he wanted, even going so far as leaving the family behind. Dean couldn’t do that, because all he wanted was his father’s approval and the love of his family. And no matter how good he was, how much he did everything his father wanted, it never seemed enough. And now he had to do the unthinkable and ask his father for help, like a failure.

 

„Hey Dad, how are you?“ Dean was stalling, because frankly he didn’t care about the answer to that question so much and likely he wouldn’t get much of an answer.

 

„Fine.“ John’s tone made it clear enough that he didn’t want to waste his time with small-talk either.

 

„Dad, I am running out of the money you gave me...“

 

„Did you not look for a job?“

 

„I do. They all want someone with real experience.“ There was a minute of silence and Dean began pacing through the room anxiously, waiting for his father’s reaction.

 

„Dean, I taught you how to make money. You’re old enough to take care of yourself.“ Dean closed his eyes in defeat. He had never been good enough for his father, but at least before he could be a good soldier. Now he was nothing, nothing but a disappointment.

 

„Sure,“ was all he said and it sounded weak even in his own ears.

 

„I could organise you some more of those meds you need.“ Organise was John-speak for asking another hunter who dealed with legal and illegal drugs, but Dean was greatful for that anyway. Those pills were damn expensive.

 

„Thank you, Dad.“ After a short good night John hung up on him. Dean felt completely exhausted, although the phone call had only lasted a few minutes.

 

He wasn’t ready or willing to face Sam that night and cuddling in front of the TV was out of the question. He took the only retreat he could find in this tiny apartment and prepared to go to bed. Trying to sleep was a bad idea, though. Without something to distract himself, he began thinking too much.

 

Like what a failure he was for not being able to make some money. Or how much his health-condition threw him for a loop. John had lost his wife and house and been left behind with two little children and he had found a way to make do. All Dean had was a weak heart and suddenly he didn’t seem to be able to get his life in order anymore. He was no hero anymore, nor could he earn money and the only reason he had a place to live was because he pretended to be in a relationship with his brother. He had never been good enough, never been strong enough. He had disappointed his father and failed Sammy. What would he say when he came home?

 

When Sam entered, Dean pretended to be asleep to avoid talking to him. Sam was kind enough to prepare for bed as quietly as he could, before he slipped into bed next to him. As they had only one matress, they slept next to each other like they had done through half of their childhood. Sam had never touched him when they were in bed, not even in his sleep and Dean was immensly grateful for it. Tonight he wanted to be left alone more than ever since he came to Sam’s doorstep, but Sam wouldn’t have it, it seemed.

 

„Dean?“, Sam asked tentativly, probably sensing that he wasn’t really asleep. When Dean didn’t answer, Sam’s hand touched Dean’s shoulder and he couldn’t have it. Not now, not tonight, not when he felt this lost. He slapped Sam’s hand away.

 

„Not tonight, Sam,“ he growled. Sam withdrew his hand, but otherwise didn’t seem deterred.

 

„I am still your brother,“ he insisted. „What is wrong?“ His brother. Okay, so they had this weird love-touch-thing going on, but first and foremost Sam was his brother. And he didn’t want Sam to worry about him uselessly. He had to try and calm him down and get him off his track.

 

„It’s nothing“, he said as convincing as he could, which wasn’t very convincing at all.

 

„Stop lying to me, Dean.“ Sam was too close to him to be fooled, mentally and physically. And was it really worth the effort? It was not as if Sam didn’t already know he was a failure.

 

„I called Dad tonight. I used nearly all the money I had with me,“ Dean admitted quietly. He didn’t need to tell Sam how that had gone, he would know. And somehow Dean had known before even calling his father, too. And it wasn’t that refusal that had him so riled up. „I disappointed him. I failed.“ His voice was rough and coarse which was a sign of how riled up he really was. Sam could certainly hear it.

 

„You have no reason to feel that way,“ Sam answered without waiting a beat. „You are perfect in every way.“

 

„Stop it, Sam.“ That must have been the most stupid thing he had ever heard. Perfect? In love or not... what was his brother thinking?

 

„You did not quit hunting and left Dad behind because you wanted to. And it will take a while until you find something else you can do. Dean... You are the sweetest, most caring person I know. You raised me, you were always there for me, always took care of me. You never let me down. And you never let Dad down, either. You always did everything he wanted without complaining. He, however, wasn’t exactly there often!“ Sam sounded so sincere and honestly upset that Dean had to believe him. But was this really what he thought about him? Was it true?

 

An arm sneaked around his torso and this time Dean didn’t push it away. If Sam could forgive him his failures, accepted him as broken and incomplete as he was, maybe he could, too. He slid a bit closer to Sam and let his warmth and love comfort him and take the pain away.

 

_**Sam** _

 

„I will be home late tonight,“ Sam said before leaving one morning. „I need to finish my paper until tomorrow and will stay at the library.“ Dean nodded a little distractedly. Sam was unsure if he had heard him, but didn’t push it. Dean wasn’t very happy at the moment because he still hadn’t found a job and hated sitting at home all day, feeling useless. Sam could relate and usually tried his best to distract him, but there was nothing Sam could do about it today, he really needed to finish that paper. So he just hoped Dean would be alright until he got home.

 

Sam managed to write his paper and correct-read it twice with half an hour to spare until closing time at the library. Reliefed and happy he went home, looking forward to be with Dean again. But when he came home, Dean wasn’t waiting for him watching TV, but lied already in bed sleeping. Quietly Sam changed and got ready for bed before he slipped under the covers with Dean.

 

They only had one mattress and Sam was grateful that it was big enough for both of them. So far they had religiously stayed on their side, a habit they had developed as pre-teens. Sam enjoyed the sleeping together, being wrapped in Dean’s smell that made him feel at home and hearing his steady breath soothed him better than anything. But tonight Dean’s breath was irregular, hitching even. He was not asleep, instead he was upset and bothered by something.

 

„Dean?“, Sam asked tentativly. He raised his hand to touch Dean’s shoulder and he would have done the same before all this started, but now he wasn’t sure if he should. But then he thought ‚screw it’ and went ahead. For the first time Dean shrugged him off almost painfully.

 

„Not tonight, Sam,“ he growled. Sam was too old to still be afraid of that tone of voice, especially because he could hear the desperation, lonelyness and hurt below the growl. So he didn’t let it go so easily, although he refrained from touching for the moment.

 

„I am still your brother,“ he insisted. „What is wrong?“

 

„It’s nothing.“ Sam was starting to be pissed off. Why did Dean always think he had to resolve everything alone? Sam was here, and he loved Dean and he was a grown-up meanwhile, so he could help Dean carry his burden. He didn’t need protection anymore.

 

„Stop lying to me, Dean.“ He could see the muscles in his brother’s back tense even more than before.

 

„I called Dad tonight“, he finally admitted quetly, brokenly. Of course Dean would wait until Sam was out of the house to do that. Sam would have preferred to be there. Unlike Dean he had no problem telling their Dad to go to hell. But Dean was so vulnerable, so hungry for their father’s approval that his disapproval would upset him so much he almost cried. Their Dad was the only thing that would get under Dean’s skin like that. He never cried, not even when he was seriously hurt. He had not even cried when he had to give up hunting. Sam wasn’t even sure if he wanted to know what their father had said exactly. It might make him want to punch the man. „I used nearly all the money I had with me,“ Dean admitted quietly. Sam knew them both well enough to fill in the blanks. Dean must have asked for money and their father must have refused.

 

After a while, even more quietly, Dean added: „I disappointed him. I failed.“

 

„You have no reason to feel that way,“ Sam answered angrily. Why did their dad have to make Dean feel that way? „You are perfect in every way.“

 

„Stop it, Sam.“ Dean sounded annoyed now. Maybe he was not capabale to earn a living right now, but to Sam that didn’t make a difference. He had to make Dean see that, had to make him believe.

 

„You did not quit hunting and left Dad behind because you wanted to. And it will take a while until you find something else you can do. Dean... You are the sweetest, most caring person I know. You raised me, you were always there for me, always took care of me. You never let me down. And you never let Dad down, either. You always did everything he wanted without complaining. He, however, wasn’t exactly there often!“

 

Dean didn’t respond and Sam had no idea if he had actually reached him or not. But he couldn’t resist the temptation to put his arm around Dean to comfort him. He wasn’t sure how the gesture would be received this time, but Dean skidded a little closer to him and Sam took it as a sign that he was allowed to hold him. None of them talked about the fact that sleeping close to each other became a habit. And none of them mentioned their father again.


	5. No other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to work more on the "describing thoughts and feelings"-things. Not so sure I succeeded...

**_Dean_ **

__

From time to time Dean dragged Sam out to a bar to have a beer or two and play a bit of pool. You couldn’t study all the time and never have fun, right? Dean normally avoided everything to do with the college because that was just not him. They had gone to just one college party and Dean realised that without getting wasted this was no fun. So he led Sam to one of the holes they practically had grown up in instead.

 

He drank the one beer he was allowed to with his meds and then played darts or pool against Sam, no hustling, just fun. The boy was a natural at everything he could throw, mostly knives, but also darts. That was why Dean usually preferred to play pool, at least he had a fair chance of winning there. That day it was darts though, and Sam won every round.

 

Sam was chipper when they came home, probably because he had won the entire night, but maybe also because he had drunk three beers (not being on meds he was allowed) and always became happy when drunk. So it came totally out of the blue, when he asked: „Dean, you are not doing this because of me?“ Dean had no idea what on earth he could be talking about. „You know, it wouldn’t bother me if you had a one-night stand. We are not... together or something... really...“

 

Dean was positively shocked to hear his brother, who was a bit of a prude to be honest, talk about this. But Dean would not discuss his sex-life with Sam. There was a thing called privacy, even if their small living quarter didn’t allow much of it. His reasons for not sleeping around anymore had nothing to do with Sam, so he could keep out of this business! „I won’t sleep with some random girl. End of discussion,“ Dean anounced with a firm voice.

 

„But you could, you know. I wouldn’t mind.“ Sam would probably not have brought this up if he wasn’t a bit tipsy. And they both knew that their weird agreement wouldn’t hold Dean back if he really wanted to sleep with someone. It was not as if they were together or as if he owed Sam anything. Yet, Dean felt not ready to open up and talk about this particular topic, so he got defensive instead.

 

„Dude, not everything is about you!“ It was said maybe a bit harsher than Dean intended, but he didn’t regret it if Sam would just drop it.

 

„Then what is it about? You don’t drink anymore. You don’t flirt with women... What happened in the past five years?“ Sam looked lost and confused, but not enough so to stop Dean from being angry. He hated being cornered and being forced to talk about something that was so personal and, to be honest, humiliating.

 

„Maybe you would know if you had been around,“ he attacked. It was unfair to bring this up, but Dean couldn’t bring himself to care.

 

„I am around now!“ Yeah, Sam was there for him now, supporting him emotionally and financally, and maybe it wasn’t fair to lie to him or keep him out. But, then again, this was not something you discussed with your brother.

 

„It’s my heart,“ was all he gave as an explanation, though. Maybe Sam was smart enough to get the rest himself. Of course that hope was futile, at least in Sam’s inebriated state. Or maybe the younger one just didn’t know when to give up.

 

„Do you mean sex would be too strenuous for your heart?“

 

„No, you midwit!“ Dean sighed and sat down on one of the chairs he had found. „My medication is pretty strong. Those pills have some side-effects.“ There was still no understanding on Sam’s face. Seemed he had to spell it out after all. „For a genius you are really slow, man.“ Another sigh. „I can’t get it up anymore.“

 

Man, Dean had always loved sex. The flirting, the seducing and the act itself of course. And now he was basically a man without a penis. It was as if a part of him had been stolen – and it had. He had tried everything in the book, porn, masturbating, even making out and, damn, had that been an embarassing experience. Nothing had gotten any kind of reaction out of his now useless appendix. What kind of man was he still?

 

He had always been so proud of being a hero, even if nobody knew about the hunting. He had always been proud to have such an easy way with women, even if a big part of his success was his pretty face. He had been a real man in his book, one his brother and father could be proud of. Now he was useless in every regard: he couldn’t hunt, couldn’t even get a normal job, couldn’t have sex, couldn’t even drink more than a beer!

 

„I’m sorry,“ Sam said kindly, his puppy-dog-eyes looking at him with unbroken love and support and Dean couldn’t take it. Couldn’t take the understanding that felt way too close to pity.

 

„Whatever, man.“ He fled to the bathroom to calm down and Sam went out of his way to give him space. Finally.

 

_**Sam** _

They were at a bar again. Not one of those Sam’s fellow college classmates would visit. No, it was one of those dark dens with cheap beer, pool tables and rock music. Sam didn’t really enjoy the place, but he knew that Dean needed those visits to feel at home, so they sometimes went to one of those places. Tonight Dean drank the usual beer – after one he nowadays tended to change to water and Sam normally copied him because he actually appreciated the habit, but today he indulged himself a little. They spent the rest of the night talking and playing darts, for which Sam had the greater talent than Dean, so that he won every round. He couldn’t help wonder about another new habit of Dean’s: he hadn’t picked up a girl even once since they lived together.

 

Tonight Sam observed this behaviour, just to see if he could figure it out. Dean flirted like usual with the waitresses, but at the same time made it teasingly light, obvious that it was not meant to be more than a little flirting. After his one beer, when they started playing darts, he never once even looked into the direction of the girl. Sam was getting courious. He knew that their little arrangement was weird for Dean and that he didn’t really feel comfortable with it. So it couldn’t be because of that. Maybe Dean was afraid that he would throw him out or send him away if he had someone else? The thought kept playing through Sam’s head and he couldn’t have it. It didn’t seem fair that his brother should give up on something he enjoyed and loved so much just because of his sick feelings. That was not right. So, when they came home, he decided to carefully approach the topic.

 

„Dean, you are not doing this because of me?“ Dean looked at him confused and Sam had to admit, it was probably not clear what he was talking about. „You know, it wouldn’t bother me if you had a one-night stand. We are not... together or something... really...“ Dean’s expression had gone darker and darker and Sam had become more and more insecure. Was there something he overlooked? Or did mentioning their agreement go against their agreement? They hadn’t really hashed out the details and Dean as a rule refused to talk about anything remotely to do with feelings.

 

„I won’t. End of discussion.“ Dean had the same determined, stubborn look on his face that Sam knew from their father. He knew it was no use to fight with him, but he had never backed down in time. And he really needed to know now to make sure nothing was between them.

 

„But you could, you know. I wouldn’t mind.“ His assertion had the opposite effect of what he had hoped, though. Instead of clearing things, it made Dean even angrier.

 

„Dude, not everything is about you!“ Dean yelled. His anger didn’t deter Sam, though. If this had nothing to do with him, then there must be something seriously wrong. And he needed to know what – if he didn’t know how was he supposed to help Dean?

 

„Then what is it about? You don’t drink anymore. You don’t flirt with women... What happened in the past five years?“

 

„Maybe you would know if you had been around.“ Dean sounded bitter, but Sam saw the accusation for what it was: a distraction. It was a very obvious tactic.

 

„I am around now!“ he statet as calmly as he could, which wasn’t very calm. He was only made of flesh and blood, after all. Dean became very quiet at that and Sam thought, that maybe he had him now.

 

„It’s my heart,“ was all he said, with such a devastated expression that Dean felt horrible for pressing him further.

 

„Do you mean sex would be too strenuous for your heart?“ The thought that his brother’s heart could be that weak had never crossed his mind. But then he would also have problems with some other things, like hard labour. This was a dangerious prospect and it scared him.

 

„No, you midwit!“ Dean sighed and sat down on one of the chairs he had found. „My medication is pretty strong. Those pills have some side-effects.“ That explained the alcohol, but Sam was still confused about the rest and it showed on his face. Dean sighed again. „For a genius you are really slow, man.“ Another sigh. „I can’t get it up anymore.“

 

For a while no one said anything. Sam’s only real sexual experience was with Jess, but he knew that Dean had slept around much more than him. It was not only because for his natural beauty and charm it was very easy to find someone to spend the night with, he also seemed to enjoy the fun of sex extremly. Besides, to Dean it was probably a way to prove his masculinity. Without sex – in Dean’s book – you probably were only half a man. Add to that the incapability to drink and hunt and you had a poor excuse of a man. That Sam did’t see him that way probably didn’t help much. Dean had always had a horrible self-perception.

 

„I’m sorry,“ Sam said, because he didn’t know what else to say. How could he make that good? How could he make Dean understand that there was no judgment from him? That he would never think less of him because of that?

 

„Whatever, man.“ Dean withdrew to the bathroom and didn’t come out for half an hour. Sam did not comment on it or anything that was said that night. He figured the only thing he could do to help Dean was letting him in peace.


	6. Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not sure if this chapter makes sense. I am sick and my thought process is a bit slow. But I don't want to wait any longer with posting it.

_**Dean** _

****

Sam had the good sense to never mention the conversation they had had and the fact Dean had admitted. Life went on like it had before and Dean lost himself in the routine, almost forgetting that his dick had become useless. Life went on and he didn’t need girls. Sam seemed to cope just fine without them, so could he.

 

His eyes still worked fine, though, and he still appreciated a nice view now and then, even if it didn’t do much below his belt. At times he even enjoyed a little flirt, as long as it was just playful banter. Seeing a pretty girl flustert by a little smile was still fun and it was nice to know his looks were appreciated, even if all it got him was a phone number. So when he saw some hot chick with a criminally low cleivage through the window of a coffee shop, he decided to have a closer look and maybe flirt a little, although he couldn’t stand this hipster-„tradition“ of getting flavourd coffee. He prefered his black and neat, the way coffee was supposed to be.

 

Sam, who had quetly and oblioviously, walked beside him, followed him into the coffee shop a bit confused, knowing this kind of place was not exactly his style. He could feel Sam tense and turn his face into his bitch-face scowl when he realised why Dean had entered the shop. But Dean decided to ignore it. After all, Sam had practically allowed him to sleep around and all he had planned was a little flirting – and eyeing the very nice cleavage that was practically shoved into his face.

 

„Hello sweetheart,“ Dean greeted the girl behind the counter. She giggled and Dean knew she was wax in his hand. „What can you recommend today?“

 

„Well, the hazelnut cappuccino blend latte is delicious,“ she answered with a wide smile. She had a nice smile, pearly white teeth and red lips. She didn’t have dimples though, and Dean didn’t know why he even noticed this. But then she leaned down on the counter and Dean enjoyed the new sight shamelessly, forgetting about her smile. It wasn’t as if she didn’t ask for it – after all she was the one who chose this outfit. Before Dean could proceed his game – and piss off Sam for real – they were interrupted by a small man with whiskycoloured eyes that looked at Dean’s prey as if he wanted to kill her.

 

„We do not make the disgrace that drink would be,“ he barked at her. „We have lattes with hazelnut taste or normal cappuccinos, if you like,“ he offered to Dean with a polite smile, while he gently nudged the busty blonde out of the way. Dean was slightly disappointed that his flirt was brought to an end so abruptly, but it wasn’t as if anything would have come out of it anyway, so he took it in strike and decided he could at least have a coffee.

 

„He’s having your most normal coffee, black,“ Sam ordered for him through gritted teeth. He was still jealous, obviusly, and took the chance to be served by someone else than bombshell. „And a piece of your apple pie.“ Dean didn’t like if someone else took away his choiced from him like that, but he was ready to forgive Sam for ordering pie. He would forgive him anything for pie.

 

„A man with a simple taste. A nice change from our usual crowd.“ The little man behind the couter said with a warm smile, that was amused, but not flirty. „What can I get for you, moose?“ the man asked Sam teasingly. Dean knew that most people, except some cheap women who fell for his looks, prefered Sam. Sam was more sure of himself, more gentle, more understanding and empathic and much smarter, so no wonder he was better company than Dean. This stranger seemed to like Sam as well. For some reason that bothered Dean more than it usually did. He didn’t want to think about why that was, though.

 

„A chai latte“ Sam ordered, his scowl easing a little.

 

„No sweet?“ The man asked, but Sam shook his head.

 

„The moose doesn’t like sweets,“ Dean explained, with a fond look he wasn’t even aware of.

 

„What?“ The small man yelled shocked and again Dean could understand him. This weird habit of his brother had always irritated him. He must have committed some grave error when raising that kid. Who didn’t like sweets?

 

„I don’t like sweets,“ Sam confirmed, face now relaxed, and while not yet happy, at least not frowning anymore.

 

„This is a crime against nature.“ Dean had to suppress a laugh. It was too cute to see his big little brother being chastised like that. Sam only rolled his eyes good-naturally, though, and dragged Dean to a table. It didn’t take long for the man to prepare their drinks and soon they both had a hot beverage in front of them and Dean additionally a still warm pie. The pie had to be the best one Dean had ever had. He exaggerated his moaning a bit anyway, because seeing Sammy blush crimson and shifting in his seat was totally worth it. He didn’t even realise that he used his most flirty smile on his brother, he enjoyed himself too much teasing him.

 

Sam’s face had relaxed, he even smiled a little at Dean. It seemed he was forgiven for his flirting earlier. Their peace was interrupted by a loud crash which made Dean’s poor weak heart beat fast from the scare. He calmed down instantly when he discovered it was only the blonde girl who had dropped a tray with glasses on the floor. Dean had completely forgot about her, even though she had been the reason he stepped into the shop in the first place. Now he could watch with wonder how the shop owner sprinted over to her to yell at the poor girl and proceeded to fire her. Dean felt sorry for the girl, but Sam looked oddly satisfied, like the cat that ate the canary.

 

„Are you happy that she got fired?“ Dean asked him quetly, hardly able to believe that his sweet, compassionate brother could be so mean. If he had needed any further proof that Sam really loved him, here was it. And suddenly he felt horrible for having flirted with that blonde in the first place – he should have been more respectful towards Sam’s feelings. And wasn’t that an odd thought for him?

 

„I... No... of course not.“ Sam was lying and Dean didn’t even have to guess why.

 

„Jealousy is not a good look on you.“ Even though he internally decided to not rile up Sam again by flirting, he couldn’t help being a bit smug about the effect he had on Sam. Unfortunatly he didn’t get the chance to tease Sammy further, because his fancy phone rang.

 

„Hi, Jess,“ Sam greeted the caller. Dean instantly tensed. He couldn’t understand how Sam could still be friends with the girl who had broken up with him. She had hurt Sam, thrown him out of his appartment and Sam just forgave her as if nothing had happened. Add to that the fact of her hotness and Dean did not like her at all! He would have banged her, if she hadn’t been Sammy’s, but he didn’t like her. And he couldn’t help but suspect that she wouldn’t mind getting Sam back, because let’s face it, breaking up with Sam must have been her biggest mistake.

 

The girl talked for a while and Sam had a concentrated look on his face even after he hung up on her. Without an explanation he declared „I’m sorry, I have to leave.“ It annoyed Dean to let him go to hang out with that girl! He didn’t trust her as far as he could throw her. He couldn’t say that though when Sam asked him: „Will you be okay?“ Really how pathetic was he that Sam even asked him that before he left him alone? It didn’t use to be like this.

 

„Me and my pie will have a nice time here without you,“ he answered while chewing, putting on his strongest front. He didn’t really want Sam to leave – especially to meet _her_ , but he had no right to keep Sam here with him. It was silly, really, that he didn’t want to spend another day alone.

 

„I should be back in half an hour or so“ Sam promised with one of his dimpled smiles. Before he left he leaned down to Dean and whispered: „Jealousy is not a good look on you either.“ The smug bastard! Then he gave Dean the by now common kiss on the temple. Dean didn’t have time to respond before he was out of the door. Dean just sat there, speechless and embarrassed and completely shocked that Sam had called him out on his jealousy. Why was he even jealous of Jess? It didn’t bother him to see Sam with any other girl. He wouldn’t have been jealous if Sam had flirted with the barista.

 

And then it hit him like a sledgehammer. Jess and Sam had had feelings for each other. That bothered him about her. Sam was not one who enjoyed hook-ups, but he thrived in relationships, he was a good boyfriend. And Dean didn’t want him to be someone else’s boyfriend. He wanted to be the most important person in Sam’s life, like Sam was in his. And Dean’s flirting had never meant a thing, but Sam’s flirting did.

 

„You make a cute couple. And here I thought you were flirting with Becca.“ The shop-owner sat down in front of him with a steaming cup of tea.

 

„Not sure we are a couple“ Dean admitted. „And I was actually flirting with her. Just a little bit of fun. It doesn’t mean anything to me...“ The other man raised an eyebrow, then shrugged, probably deciding it wasn’t his buisness, and Dean was grateful for that. He didn’t think anyone would understand and he couldn’t exactly explain their situation to a stranger.

 

„I am Gabriel,“ the other man introduced himself.

 

„Dean.“ They chatted for a while and Dean learned that Gabriel had the shop for two years already, that he loved baking and took care of his little brother who was a bit ‚special’. After five minutes Gabriel stood with a sad look at his watch. „This has basically been my only break for the day. Soon the students will come from the last class, so I have to leave you.“

 

„No problem“ Dean assured. „It has been an awfully short break, though.“

 

„It is a pain. We used to have two coffee machines, but one broke and now rush hour is a horror. And as awful a waitress as Becca was, at least she _tried_ to help.“ Gabriel sighed a bit exaggerated and made his way back to the counter. After a moment Dean followed him. He may not feel like a real man at the moment, but he could still make himself useful. Wasn’t as if he had anything better to do. Besides, Sam had still not come back and he would wait for him.

 

„I could have a look at it“ he offered. Gabriel raised a fine eyebrow, but made an inviting hand-gesture. Ten minutes later Dean’s hands were covered in grease and coffee-remains, but the machine was working again. It felt like the first time in an eternety that he had accomplished something, that he was good for something. He smiled proudly and Gabriel was actually jumping up and down in joy, cheering at him. It made Dean stupidly happy and proud. He smiled happily while he washed his hands and then Gabriel unceremonously pushed an apron in his hands and he took it as a sign that more of his help was wanted.

 

It felt great to be useful for a change, to work and be productive. He loved it, even if it was just making coffee. Dean had some problems with the more complicated recipes (and he couldn’t get why anyone wanted to flavour a perfectly good coffee) and so Gabriel made those. They worked well as a team and when the last customer of the after-school-rush had got their coffee and left the counter Gabriel smiled at him and offered him a job.

 

Dean could have howled in joy. Making coffees had never been his career dream, but it would pay the rent for a while and that was the main point. Besides it was kind of fun to flirt a little with the customers and get a good tip for it. He hardly realised how much time had passed when finally Sam reentered the shop.

 

„Hello, Dean. What are you doing there?“ Sam actually stopped in his tracks. Dean beamed at him, still upbeat and happy. The look on Sam’s face was different, so soft and caring as if Dean had done something wonderful. Dean took it as a good sign and showed off his apron by dancing around a bit. Sam looked absolutely stunned and Dean reveled in the fact that he had put that look there.

 

„I fixed the coffee machine and helped out during a rush and now I have a job!“ Once upon a time he had been overjoyed by winning money in poker games or killing a monster... But beggers can’t be choosers, so he guessed it was okay to be happy about this.

 

„That’s great! Congratulations!“ Sam smiled his beautiful smile, grabbed Dean and pressed a kiss on his mouth. It was short and innocent, and yet Dean’s breath completely stopped. What was that? Sam had just kissed him. Which was something only _real_ couples did, not the kind of couple they were. It helped that Sam looked equally shocked as him, if not more so. Dean could already see an apology form in that genius brain and he decided he didn’t want to hear it. He wanted to be the center of Sam’s world, if a kiss what was it would take, then maybe he could go there. Sam’s kiss didn’t feel bad and he wanted to taste more before he made his mind up about this.

 

So he bridged the gap between them and kissed Sam back. Normally he dived in a kiss and used his considerable know-how to take control, but not with Sammy. He couldn’t completely forget that it was his brother that he was kissing and therefore he wanted to take things slow and keep it innocent. Besides, Sammy deserved to be treated with the utmost respect.

 

It was a good kiss. Not the groundshaking kind, but loving and sweet and warm and Dean found himself smiling when they parted. Sam, on the other hand, looked as if he had taken drugs, completely out of it with happiness, pupils blown wide.

 

„You two are too cute,“ Gabriel commented. They both blushed and didn’t answer.

 

 

_**Sam** _

 

Sam had a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that Dean was impotent. It didn’t combine with the image he had always had of Dean. Dean, who had a beauty on his arm – and in his bed – in every town they entered. Sam had offered him that freedom, but he was relieved to not have to see this again, to not stand by and know his brother had sex with someone else. He hated himself for being happy about the fact that he didn’t have to share Dean with someone. The thought of someone else touching him became more and more unbearable the longer he had him as an almost-boyfriend. However, he also felt sorry for his brother, knowing how hard it must be for him to live celibate like this, to not feel manly in that regard anymore. Dean had lost much more than Sam had realised when he had shown up on his door.

 

But, as Sam realised after a time, Dean might not have sex with someone else, but he still liked to flirt. It hadn’t been obvious to him before, but now that he knew Dean wouldn’t „cheat“ on him, he reacted way more sensitive to harmless flirting. It was stupid, but he couldn’t help this feeling of possessiveness that had taken hold of him. Since he knew that Dean wouldn’t have sex with someone, he didn’t want him to look at anyone else either, which wasn’t exactly fair – to either of them.

 

His helpless jealousy became glaringly obvious when they visited a café together one day. Cafés were absolutly not Dean’s scene. Sam sometimes frequented one with friends, but Dean was more the cheap-simple-coffee-to-go-type than someone who ordered a coffee with different flavours and soy-milk. So Sam should have known something was off when Dean dragged him into a coffee-shop with these fancy coffees he usually made fun off. And soon Sam figured out what exactly was off.

 

There was a busty blonde behind the counter that seemed to be totally Dean’s type and he graced her with his most charming smile. Sam had to hold back to not mark his territory in cave-man style, but then, it was not his place. Dean was not his. Not really. That thought didn’t help his feeling though and he could feel his face turning into a scowl.

 

„Hello sweetheart,“ Dean greeted her. She giggled and Sam almost rolled his eyes. „What can you recommend today?“

 

„Well, the hazelnut blend latte is delicious,“ she answered with a smile of her own. To bring her breasts to full effect she leaned down on the counter and Dean wasn’t shy about taking advantage of the sight with a playful smirk. Sam ground his teeth next to him, but managed to not comment.

 

„We do not make the disgrace that drink would be,“ an annoyed voice interrupted the display for which Sam was very grateful. A small man entered the coffee from the kitchen and glared at the waitress. Sam instantly liked him.

 

„We have lattes with hazelnut taste, if you like,“ he offered to Dean with a polite smile, while he gently nudged the busty blonde out of the way.

 

„He’s having your most normal coffee, black,“ Sam ordered for Dean, pressing the words out. Knowing how much Dean hated to be walked over like that he added: „And a piece of your apple pie.“

 

„A man with a simple taste, I like it. What can I get for you, moose?“ The man – Gabriel his nametag said – asked. Sam was a little irritated about the nickname, but the smile on Gabriel’s face was not offending, rather playful, so Sam ignored it. At least he wasn’t called Sammy this time.

 

„A chai latte.“

 

„No sweet?“ Sam shook his head.

 

„The moose doesn’t like sweets,“ Dean exlained helpfully, grinning. Sam got a feeling he wouldn’t get rid of this nickname anytime soon. But he observed with joy that Dean’s eyes hadn’t follwed busted-blonde, instead he was focused on the new barista.

 

„What?“ Said barista yelled in shock. The little man looked beyond shocked, disbelieving.

 

„I don’t like sweets,“ Sam confirmed calmly. He could not really understand why someone could be that shocked by this simple fact. After all, people liked different things and he preferred savoury things.

 

„This is a crime against nature.“ With a still shocked expression the small man began preparing the orders with fluent movements. The blonde bimbo was standing in a corner, looking stupid and Sam gleefully observed that Dean was not flirting with her anymore, actually he seemed to have forgotten her completly. Still, he decided to drag him away from her and sat them at a table to wait for their order.

 

Soon Gabriel brought them their drinks and the pie which Dean began savouring immediatly. It was almost obscene how much he moaned while eating it and Sam had a hard time not imagining him moaning for another reason. He got the feeling that Dean did so intentionally to rile him up, which wasn’t very nice considering Dean had flirted with that bimbo not fifteen minutes ago.

 

Sam’s increasingly dirty thoughts were interrupted by the shattering of glass. The blonde waitress looked close to tears while the tablet she had been carrying lied on the floor. Gabriel came sprinting over from the counter and started telling her off. Sam watched with increasing satisfaction how the girl got yelled at and fired.

 

„Are you happy that she got fired?“ Dean asked him unbelievingly. Sam was grateful that he asked it quetly enough to not be overheard by her.

 

„I... No... of course not.“ How could he say something else? He felt mean enough. It was stupid to feel jealous of her – just as stupid as feeling possessive of Dean. They were not together, he had no right over Dean. It was weird, really. He had never been jealous about Jess, never been bothered when she talked to someone else. With Dean, however,... It was probably because he and Dean were not really in a relationship. Dean could call their arrangement off at any time and it would hurt Sam much more than him. He felt insecure with Dean, something he had never felt with Jess. And he loved Dean much more, but that was not something he wanted to analyse too much.

 

„Jealousy is not a good look on you“ Dean commented knowingly and way too amused. Thank god he was saved from an answer by his phone that started ringing annoyingly. He picked up without looking at the caller ID, glad he didn’t have to discuss his jealousy.

 

„Hello, Sam“ Jess’ voice greeted him. Even though they had broken up, they were still friends and studied together regularly. It was not as if Sam knew so many other students or had any other friends. And their break-up had been very friendly on both sides.

 

„Hi, Jess.“ He didn’t miss that Dean’s jaw got a little more tense, his eyes a bit darker when he heard her name. Seemed he was not the only one who got a little jealous, although he couldn’t really see why Dean would get jealous in the first place. He was not the one in love.

 

„I need your help with the assignment from Prof. Shelton.“ Jess explained in detail why she had problems with a certain paper that was due soon. Sam was on top of his class and he had helped her out before quite often, plus he had already completed his own assignment. So he promised to meet her at the library to give her a few hints.

 

„I’m sorry, I have to leave. Will you be okay?“ Dean nodded, albeit a bit stiffly. Suddenly his face was a lot darker, which Sam observed in wonder.

 

„Me and my pie will have a nice time here without you,“ ha answered with his mouth full. Sam sighed, but decided to not comment on Dean’s lack of manner for once. It was an onging argument that he never seemed to make progress with.

 

„I should be back in half an hour or so“ Sam promised. Before he left he leaned down to Dean and whispered: „Jealousy is not a good look on you either.“ Then he gave Dean the by now common kiss on the temple. Dean didn’t have time to respond before he was out of the door.

 

He should have known that it would take him longer than half an hour. In fact it took him more than an hour until he made it back to the café. He half expected Dean to have left, angry at him for leaving him alone. But instead he found him behind the counter, wearing an apron and brewing coffee.

 

„Hello, Dean. What are you doing there?“ Sam asked astonished. He was met with the most radiant smile he had ever seen on his brother and it made his heart beat faster. He even felt butterflies in his stomach. Dean was so incredibly beautiful. And then he came out from behind the counter and did a little dance to show off the apron, which was at the same time sexy and adorable. If Sam hadn’t already been in love, this moment he would have fallen.

 

„I fixed the coffee machine and helped out during a rush and now I have a job!“ Dean was so obviously overjoyed. It was wonderful to see him like that after all the time he moped, unemployed, bored, out of purpose, unhappy. It struck Sam that Dean hadn’t looked as happy as right now in a long time, maybe forever and he wondered if hunting had truly made him happy or if he had just done it to make their father proud.

 

„That’s great! Congratulations!“ Dean’s happiness was contagious and Sam was honestly happy for him. He had never looked so beautiful. Sam grabbed Dean and pressed a kiss on that gorgeous smile. It was short and innocent, and yet they both froze. Sam was scared to death, or rather scared he would loose Dean now forever. He had gone too far, pushed too much – and he hadn’t even wanted to! It had just come over him. He was already formulating an apology in his head, hoping he could undo his mistake.

 

Before he could, Dean seemed to recover, bridged the gab between them and kissed him back, shy and tentatively as if it was his first kiss. Sam kept it slow, easy and without tongue, and yet it was the best kiss he had ever had. It left him slightly swooning and grinning like a drunk idiot. Dean didn’t look equally out of it, but he was at least still smiling.

 

„You two are too cute,“ the shop owner commented. They both blushed and didn’t answer.


	7. Boyfriend

_**Dean** _

Sam didn’t kiss him for several days, but he kept staring at Dean’s lip all the time. It unnerved Dean a little to have his brother’s focus on his lips all the time. What had been innocent and sweet had suddenly become a lot more intimate and coup-ely.

 

And somehow Dean still couldn’t quite make his mind up about how he felt about their kiss. It had been one of the best kisses in his life. Soft and warm and respectful, but with enough force behind it to promise passion if the situation called for it. But why couldn’t it have been someone else who had kissed him so lovingly? Why had it to be his brother who kissed him like that? Dean knew he wanted to be kissed like that again, no one had ever done it so reverently, as if he mattered. He went back and forth between wanting it, longing for it even, and being repelled, disgusted. Dean had been thinking about their kiss for two days straight, but hadn’t progressed any further. He still didn’t know what to think of it.

 

A few days after he got the new job and they first kissed, Dean broke. They were lying in bed next to each other and both couldn’t sleep. Dean could hear and feel Sam’s breath that was not deep and relaxed enough to indicate sleep. He wasn’t the thinker and thinking had not helped him any to find a solution, so he decided to take action instead. All he had to do was to turn around and press his lips to Sam’s. It still felt surprisingly good for a PG-13 kiss, soft, warm, _safe_ and Dean wondered why he had been so worried.

 

Their kiss broke after only a few seconds and it brought a smile to Sam’s face that was so blinding that Dean could see it even in the dark, dimples and all. And he didn’t care anymore that Sam was his brother, he did not even care anymore that Sam was a man. If kissing him made Sammy that happy, it was worth breaking the laws of normal. What was normal, anyway?

 

It was as if the kiss initiated by Dean had been the permission Sam had been waiting for, because from then on he seemed to kiss Dean all the time. And not just on the temple. It was the same thing as with the touching in the beginning. Sam always seemed to sense when Dean wasn’t as receptive. And Dean was very receptive, enjoying the best kisses he had ever had in his life.

 

Overall, Dean was happy all around. He got to work with people and take home pie every night and then kiss Sammy for a while, cuddling up on the bed and watch some stupid movie. Sam seemed totally elated all the time, grinning and smiling at him like a happy love-fool. And Dean loved seeing him like that. If he had known that a few kisses would have that effect, he might have started earlier. All the turmoil he had felt in the beginning forgotten.

 

After two weeks he got his first paycheck and he decided to invite Sammy to a date, although he would rather have bit his tongue off than phrase it like that. But dinner and movie should tell Sam that it was a date. After all, they had never done that before. But it was easy, like everything else with Sam. On his highschool-dates he had to watch some chick-flick-movie to please the girls he had dated, but with Sam he could watch something much more agreeable. And if he wanted to touch or kiss him, he just could. He didn’t have to ask or anything.

 

Dean could feel Sam staring at him during the movie, but he tried to not let it bother him. It wasn’t his fault that Sam missed the best of the movie and he certainly just looked because he enjoyed the view. At least Dean hoped so. He objectively knew he was good-looking, but only when Sam looked at him like that he truly _felt_ beautiful. And more than just beautiful: important, loved.

 

When the movie ended, they stayed seated, although Dean didn’t care about the credits. But he didn’t yet want to get up and interrupt the way Sam looked at him. And he didn’t want to let go of him and replace the warm, soft body next to him with cold air. It felt good to be held by Sam’s arm around his shoulder and to lean a little against him. When had the cuddling stopped being weird and become just nice? He couldn’t tell and he didn’t really care.

 

„Sam?“ It was that awful Jess girl who had broken Sam’s heart. Sam stiffed beside him and Dean felt every protective instinct in him flare up. He didn’t want her talking to his Sam, he didn’t even want her to look at him. He just wanted to protect his brother from ever being hurt by her again. And he didn’t want her to steal Sam (or his attention) away, either. So Dean himself got just as rigid as Sam, if not more so, jaw locked, muscles hard as if waiting for an attack.

 

„Hello, Jess“ Sam said, in his usual friendly way. Only Dean could feel how uncomfortable he really was and it annoyed him that that girl had such an effect on his brother. It made him hate her even more. It didn’t occur to him that he was the reason Sam felt uncomfortable.

 

„Who is your friend?“ asked Jess. Both her and her date watched them with rapid interest.

There was no well in hell she hadn’t seen them cuddling against each other, so what was it with the stupid question? Knowing Sam and his overly careful behaviour against him, he would introduce him as brother. That would sound weird, considering how close they were sitting here. Besides, he wanted that she knew she didn’t have a chance anymore, that Sam was over her and in good hands again, with someone who appreciated him the way he deserved.

 

„Boyfriend,“ he corrected her, before Sam could say anything. Ignoring Sam’s incredulous look, he continued with his famous Dean-Winchester-charme: „I’m Dean.“

 

„Nice to meet you, Dean“, Jess said smiling. „I am Jess.“ Dean wondered if she would aks them about their relations. Certainly Sam had mentioned his brother once or twice... She must have noticed the correspondence in names. But she didn’t say anything and didn’t imply that she realised. Dean wanted to flee this awkward situation, preferably before she changed her mind or Sam got angry.

 

„Nice to meet you, too“ he said standing up. „Unfortunately we have to leave now. We’re already late.“ Dean dragged a stunned and silent Sam with him to the exit. It wasn’t until they were in the impala that Sam finally found his voice.

 

„Boyfriend?“, he asked with this you-got-to-be-bullshitting-me-voice that he usually used when Dean did something Sam considered stupid, like eating a bag of marshmallows for breakfast.

 

„Isn’t that what you want me to be?“ Dean asked defensive. After all, this whole strange non-relationship thing they had going on was all Sam’s idea. He was the one who wanted to be more than brothers, so he should be happy that Dean went down that road as well. And yet, now Dean was afraid that he had pushed to far. What if Sam was upset about it? The worry made him grip the steering wheel a bit harder than necessary.

 

„You are everything to me, Dean.“ It was sweet to hear that and it relaxed Dean. There was only one problem with this whole thing... Incest wasn’t like being gay, something some people despised, but most didn’t. No, incest was wrong and there was noone who would just accept it...

 

„To your friends I can’t be your boyfriend _and_ your brother. It has to be one of them... Right?“ And in that second in the cinema he had realised, with a bit of shock, that he wanted to be Sam’s boyfriend rather than his brother. He wanted everyone to know that Sam was taken and show their love, their belonging. He did not want to hide and confine their relationship to their apartment. He had made the decision for both of them in that cinema and it wasn’t reversible. He could only hope Sam would forgive him for that.

 

„And you’d rather be my boyfriend than my brother?“ Sam sounded incredulous and Dean became scared. Had he made the wrong decision?

 

„Don’t you want me to be your boyfriend?“ He tried to sound cocky, but he missed by a mile. His voice was a bit broken and he sounded just as unsure about the whole thing as he felt.

 

„Yes, I do. God, Dean“ Sam hurriedly assured. Dean was so relieved he actually let out a little chuckle. „I just don’t want to...“

 

„...force something on me?“ Sam’s frown was answer enough that he hit the nail on the head. Now, this was getting ridiculous. After all, it was Dean who had made that decision. „I know, Sammy. I know. You are not. Trust me. You are not.“ Sam just smiled happily.

_**Sam** _

Sam didn’t dare to repeat _the kiss_ for several days, although he couldn’t think of something else the entire time. Dean’s lips on his had been so perfect, so soft and they had moved so perfectly on his... He had troubles focusing on his classes instead of repeating the kiss in his head, daydreaming about it, and more... Such fantasies were new to him. Even Jess seemed to realise something was going on, sensing his distractedness, though at least she backed off when he said he didn’t want to talk about it.

 

In the end it was Dean who repeated the action and kissed him again. It was before they went to sleep, when both were lying in bed next to each other, that Dean rolled over and pressed his lips against Sam’s again. It was still a far cry from passionate making-out, but also infintely better than kissing Dean’s temple. For something so innocent it sure left a lot of butterflies in him. From then on Sam took the chance to change their routine and kissed Dean again. And again... and again. It was the best thing ever.

 

Dean did never complain, on the contrary, he seemed to be happier and happier every day, loving the fact that he had a job now. It didn’t pay well, but well enough for them. Dean actually liked making coffee and tending to the antique coffee machine and even more the fact that he could take home the pie they didn’t sell. Sam was convinced that he would get tired of pie soon if he ate that much of it. Dean disagreed.

 

Dean seemed to be a gain for the shop as well. His good looks and flirty attitude made sure many women (and some men) came back just to talk to him or look at him. Every night Dean told Sam all about it and every night he assured his brother that he was the only one for him. He couldn’t say no to a tip, right? Sam agreed and found himself unexpectedly little jealous. Despite knowing what a slut Dean could be, Sam was absolutely certain that Dean would never cheat on him. Dean was loyal to a fault and even without being in love, he would never want to hurt him in any way if he could avoid it. Dean was just such a good guy like that. So, Sam was not jealous even if Dean made a lot of tips...

 

After the first week in Dean’s new job and after getting his first paycheck they decided to go celebrate by watching a movie. They had never gone to a cinema together, not even as kids. Dean had gone once or twice while still in highschool, trying to impress some girl and Sam had enjoyed the habit with Jess. But they had never made a trip together and Sam was pretty excited. Somehow, this could even be counted as their first date, but Sam didn’t dare using that word in front of Dean.

 

Dating Dean was so easy. They immediatly agreed on what movie they wanted to watch and Dean proudly spent his freshly earned money on the tickets. They bought some popcorn and took their seats at the back of the room. Sam considered asking Dean if he could put his arm around him, but thought better of it. Dean didn’t like to discuss things. So Sam just did it, trusting he would realise if it was unwelcome. But Dean leaned slightly against him, just the way he did when they watched a movie on their TV.

 

Sam enjoyed the movie, but half of the time he wasn’t even paying attention, instead watching Dean smiling at the stupid action scenes and generally enjoying having him around. As always he was mesmerised by his brother’s beauty. Dean sometimes threw him half-amused, half-annoyed glances that told him that he knew exactly he was being watched. Sam blushed when Dean caught him, but didn’t stop staring. If it bothered the other, he should tell him off or put up with it, simple!

 

At the end of the movie they stayed seated for the credits. Sam didn’t feel the need to hurry, he enjoyed holding Dean too much, and Dean seemed to feel the same. The cinema began to become more and more empty while the two sat there, completely focused on each other.

 

„Sam?“ Someone dared to interrupt their peace and Sam would have been annoyed if he hadn’t recognised Jess’ voice. Now he was mostly embarrassed. What was he going to say? That he cuddled in the cinema with his brother? That he had replaced her by some very unhealthy, incestuous and not-fully relationship?

 

„Hello, Jess“ he said, not being able to think of something better. He could feel Dean stiffen next to him. He wondered for a moment if it was because Dean was attracted to her, after all Jess was hot. Then, he thought back to the day he had to ditch Dean at the coffeeshop to go and help Jess and how jealous Dean had been. It was a bit weird to have Dean jealous, after all, he was not the one who was in love. But then, it was Dean, who got possessive over a _car_ – it was not too far a reach to consider he got possessive about a boyfriend as well.

 

„Who is your friend?“ asked Jess, while her date – with an obnoxious arm around her waist – watched him with interest. Sam really didn’t know how to answer that question. Should he say „This is my brother“ when he had hardly ever mentioned his brother to her and when they were clearly not cuddling in a brotherly way? Should he say „This is my boyfriend“ when it was both not true and probably had Dean freaking out on him? Or should he just go with the name and leave out who he was to him? He could feel his hands shake from the sheer terror of having to answer this question.

 

„Boyfriend,“ Dean corrected her and that had Sam speechless. Of all the things Dean could have said this was what Sam least expected. Astonished he turned around and looked at Dean. „I’m Dean.“

 

„Nice to meet you, Dean“ Jess said smiling. „I am Jess.“ Sam half expected her to make a comment about his incestuous relationship when he remembered that he had never mentioned his brother’s name. He had barely even mentioned he had a brother, so busy trying to forget everything about him.

 

„Nice to meet you, too“ Dean answered while standing. „Unfortunately we have to leave now. We’re already late.“ Sam could only nod to Jess and her date before Dean dragged him out of the cinema. He didn’t put up a fight, way too astonished to do anything but following his brother’s lead until they were in the car.

 

„Boyfriend?“, he asked at last.

 

„Isn’t that what you want me to be?“ Dean asked with a hard voice, hands gripping the steering wheel hard. That was hardly fair, to Sam Dean was _everything_. And everything included both brother and boyfriend, as well as best friend. He didn’t want Dean in just one role, he wanted him in all of them.

 

„You are everything to me, Dean,“ he said and hoped that Dean got the message.

 

„To your friends I can’t be your boyfriend _and_ your brother. It has to be one of them... Right?“ Of course Dean was right about that. Even if being in a relationship with your brother was not illegal, as long as you didn’t marry, it was not exactly socially acceptable. Dean and him had always been too close and it was not so different now, but with a physical element in their relationship, as innocent as it was, their relationship would be frowned upon. It might even ruin his carreer possibilities. As hunters no one might have cared, but as a lawyer that wouldn’t work.

 

„And you’d rather be my boyfriend than my brother?“ Sam hardly dared hoping that that was the option Dean would choose. Sam would hate the idea to never be able to express his feelings when among other people, in the long run it would turn him mad. But he knew that Dean probably felt very differently about this.

 

„Don’t you want me to be your boyfriend?“ Dean asked, brow furrowed, insecurity obvious to Sam.

 

„Yes, I do. God, Dean“ Sam hurriedly assured. „I just don’t want to...“

 

„...force something on me? I know, Sammy. I know. You are not. Trust me. You are not.“ The last sentence was said in that finale tone that told Sam that they would not discuss the subject any further. And why should he want to discuss it anyway? Dean was at his side and was okay with it – he didn’t need anything else.


	8. Jerking Off

_**Dean** _

Dean had spent his whole life in closest proximity to his brother. They had shared food, a bed, the backseat of the impala, clothes, money... But some boundaries had always been there – even through puberty. So in all the years they had spent on the road together, Dean had never seen Sam jerking off. No matter how difficult it was, they had always found a way to hide from each other in that very private moment. That changed one night, when Dean came home a bit early from his shift in the coffee shop.

 

He guessed, it was to be expected. After all, Sam hadn’t got laid since his separation and Dean’s constant presence had stopped him from doing anything with anyone else. Not that Sam seemed to be interested in the first place. But Sam was still a young man with a working libido. So, no, Dean couldn’t really be suprised that his brother took the issue in his hands, quite literary. What surprised Dean was only that he caught his brother in the act and found him naked and panting on their bed. Normally they hid in the bathroom or combined the activity with their shower. On the other hand Dean wasn’t due for another half hour and he couldn’t blame Sam for using that time to get comfortable on the bed.

 

Sam was so lost in his headspace that he didn’t even realise someone was there, and the hunter in Dean was disapproving of that fact. But he himself was so shocked that for a second he didn’t even move or make a sound. When he recovered he decided to leave, walk around the block for a while and return when he was due and Sam probably finished.

 

Before he reached the door, he heard Sam moan a little and suddenly he didn’t want to leave. He wanted this to be his. Throughout the years he had pushed Sam towards different girls, knowing that Sam needed the help, as awkward and insecure as he sometimes was. But now he couldn’t stand the thought that Sam imagined that Jess-girl – even though she was hot – or any other woman. The feeling was irrational and didn’t make sense at all, but there he was... He turned around again and faced Sam who still had his eyes closed.

 

„Thinking of me when you are doing that?“ Dean asked, against all logic hoping the answer would be yes. Sam’s eyes flew open and he looked like a deer in the headlight. His hand stopped the movement and he froze completely. After a few seconds he recovered enough to answer.

 

„Yes, Dean.“ Sam looked totally wrecked and totally hot. Dean had never seen before just how beautiful he was; most of the time Dean couldn’t even admit his attraction to men in general (and when he did he was so wasted he hardly remembered the next day). Now Sam’s long, lean body, the touseled hair and the moaning mouth all made a lovely sight that Dean could still enjoy, even if his penis didn’t express his pleasure.

 

„Then watch me“ Dean challenged. Sam groaned and shook his head slightly, an incredulous frown on his face. When Dean didn’t move, but smiled honestly and invitingly (not cocky and arrogantly as he so often did when sex was involved), Sam slowly continued. The way he looked at Dean while stroking his dick was what really got under his skin. A look so full of love and longing, so much adoration and Dean had never – absolutely never – felt more attractive or loved. And he hadn’t even taken his clothes off. The whole thing made his chest tighten.

 

Sam really was the most marvellous thing ever.

 

Sam’s eyes found his and they looked at each other with a whole new intensity and two strokes later Sam came with a gurgeled moan. His breathing was faster, but it calmed down quickly. He looked at his hands and wiped them on his chest a bit grossed out. Sam had always been a bit of a neat freak, especially when it came to personal hygiene. The menial task remembered Dean what he had just witnessed and how crazy it was.

 

Dean swallowed, trying to come up with a witty remark to make the awkwardness go away, but he came up blank. What now? Ignore it? As if that could be ignored. They defenitly crossed a line here that could never be uncrossed ever again. Dean shook his head and went to the bathroom. He wet a towel with some warm water and went back to Sammy. He thoroughly and tenderly cleaned Sam and couldn’t help but think that he had never treated one of his lovers like that. He actually remembered chaning Sam’s diapers when he was a baby, but cleaning him now was something entirely else. It was a lover’s touch.

 

„Are you disgusted?“ Sam’s voice was hoarse and barly above a whisper. Dean didn’t even have to think about it. If this had happened the first night he came here, he would have fled. Now... it was not weird anymore. Dean shook his head.

 

„No“ he said. Then he grinned. „I could still teach you a trick or two, though.“

 

„Jerk.“ Sam grinned, too and Dean was happy to see it. Maybe they could go back to normal after all.

 

„Bitch.“

 

 

_**Sam** _

 

__

They had lived together in close quarters their whole life and so the tiny appartment wasn’t something unusual to them. And yet, despite growing up in each other’s pocket, for some things they had _always_ found privacy, like using the bathroom. Or jerking off.

 

It had been very difficult for Sam to find time for that little activity, when Dean was still looking for a job, because he was home all the time. Sam didn’t like it much when he had to hide in the bathroom. He preferred a bit of comfort, especially that of a matress. But now, with the new job, once in a while, when Sam came home early, he was alone at home. And he liked to use that time to pleasure himself, especially after so many weeks of forced celibacy.

 

Since he learned how to get himself off he had sometimes imagined Dean, but he had also jerked off to the phantasy of women (but never other men). But now, living so close again and with all the touching and the kisses going on, he couldn’t imagine anyone else anymore. So it was Dean’s green eyes, his strong hands and his firm body he was imagining while stroking himself. It didn’t compare to the real thing, but that was something that was never going to happen. His imagination had to do. He closed his eyes to better imagine the hands on his body were those of his brother.

 

„Thinking of me when you are doing that?“ a voice interrupted his phantasy. Dean’s voice. Shocked beyond comprehension Sam stared at the very man he had been dreaming of. His hand had stopped without him really realising. Dean was standing in the doorway, partly amused, partly embarrassed, waiting for an answer. Only after a few seconds he recovered enough to actually give that answer.

 

„Yes, Dean.“ It was meant to be a normal answer, suave and cool and not as if he just jerked off to the image of his brother. He failed at suave and cool, it came out more as a moan. But he was Sam Winchester – akward was his middle name.

 

„Then watch me.“ Dean leaned against the door and watched him with vivid attention. His smile was warm, inviting. That calmed Sam down more than anything, because what he had been expecting at best would have been a teasing, cocksure smile. The green eyes of his brother studied him as if they were judging his technique, which made him feel a bit insecure. And yet he also felt more the center of Dean’s attention than ever and having that focus on him was incredibly hot. His eyes roamed his brother’s beautiful body, his lovely lips, his strong jaw, his defined upper body (that was better visible under the t-shirt without a flannell over it), his lovely hands. Finally they landed on those green green eyes.

 

The brothers locked eyes and it didn’t take long for Sam to come like that. When he was done Dean swallowed, but didn’t say anything. They akwardly stared at each other. Sam rubbed his come on his stomach, more aware of it than normally.

 

What now? Would they just go back to normal? Pretend this had never happened? Dean broke the spell by going to the bathroom. A minute later he came back with a wet towel and helped Sam to get clean. This caring gesture was almost more intimate than the staring before. Sam regretted to never get the chance to feel what Dean would be like as a lover. No one had ever handled him with so much care.

 

„Are you disgusted?“ Sam hardly dared to voice the thought, whispering as if afraid of saying it out loud. Dean shook his head, surprising him.

 

„No“ he said ernestly. Then he grinned. „I could still teach you a trick or two, though.“

 

„Jerk.“ Sam grinned when he said that, reliefed that they had found their normal ground again.

 

„Bitch.“

 

And with that they were completely back to normal until a few days later when Dean made good on his promise to teach him some things. It was the best orgasm Sam had ever had.


	9. I love you too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The distances between updates get bigger and bigger... Sorry for that. Work and health keep me very occupied at the moment.

**_Dean_ **

 

****

They were watching some old western on the TV, when Sam mentioned a huge party some friends of him threw at the week-end. Dean, who hardly paid attention to the movie, distracted by Sam’s nice hair, stopped in his tracks. A college party sounded like fun to him. Beer, drunk girl in bikinis who jumped into pools, wasn’t that what it was like in movies? It was probably the only college experience he wanted to make.

 

„Fine, let’s go to that party. It will be fun“ he said.

 

He was wrong.

 

Right when they got to the party, some friend dragged Sam away and Dean was left with three giggling girls who wanted to know way too much about their relationship. How was he supposed to answer to questions like ‚How did you meet?’ or ‚How long have you known each other?’, let alone that blonde’s (Betty? Becky?) really impertinent question about their sex life. Even her deep cleavage couldn’t make him overlook that she had an unhealthy obsession with Sam and their activities in the bedroom. He didn’t like the way she talked about his Sammy even a little bit.

 

If he could have, he would have gotten wasted to escape this horrible evening. But he was not allowed to drink more than one beer and that kind of sucked to fun out of the drinking game the others finally started.

 

So Dean spent his evening hour sitting on a couch, sulking and missing Sam. After a while the girls who had been drinking began dancing, but their moves in tight skirts did nothing to better his mood. This was so much worse than sitting at home and watching a movie. When some girl put in a CD of Britney Spears and her friends yelled in joy he fled. How could anyone stand that type of music?

 

He had to walk through almost the entire house to find Sam and he could have kicked himself for ever letting him out of his eyes. He was clearly drunk. And happy. Sam always bekame a giggling, chipper mess when drunk. That was nothing new. What was new was the creepy guy lying next to him and unbotting his shirt. It was clear to Dean in an instant that that asshole was trying to take advantage of his brother in his inebrated state. And immediatly he saw red and went into full big-brother-hunter-mode.

 

He ripped that guy away from his brothers, grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and clocked him right into the face. Twice. He added a kick into the neither regions for good measure. The other guy sat on the floor in a bloody, crying mess, but Dean didn’t care about him anymore. He had to take care of Sam.

 

Sam looked at him, grinning happily and very much in love. „De... De...“ Sam said reaching for him. Dean decided that this crap party had been going on long enough and dragged him out of that bed and down the stairs. His friends could go fuck themselves, for all he cared.

 

„I missed you“ Sam sighed, hugging him like an octopus in love. Dean didn’t complain, just holding him close and trying not to stumble with the heavy weight. „I love you,“ Sam whispered in his ear. Dean felt himself blush. And he knew without a doubt that he loved the gangly giant in his arms. He wasn’t entirely sure if it was brotherly love or not. He had never really loved someone else in his life, so how could he be sure?

 

„I love you, too.“ He half hoped Sam wouldn’t remember the next morning. Either way, that other guy, Steve?, would never touch his brother again. And neither would that Betty.

 

 

**_Sam_ **

 

Considering Sam was still studying law, his social life was very tame. But then, most people who studied with him were driven and ambitious and didn’t like to waste their time partying. But it was the week after their first round of tests and everyone was relieved it was over. So it was no surprise when Steve, a fellow student, invited him to a party.

 

„Will you come?“ he asked excited. Steve was a hard worker, and an even harder partyer if the rumours were anything to go by.

 

„Sure.“ Sam knew he spent way too much time with Dean, he had to meet other people once in a while, even if the thought of being separated from him for an entire night seemed unhealthily distressing.

 

„You can bring your boyfriend“ Steve added as an afterthought. Sam was confused for a moment, not knowing that word about his ‚boyfriend’ had travelled so fast. But he nodded anyway, signifying that he had understood.

 

Later that night he told Dean. He didn’t know what kind of reaction an invitation to a college party would get. Dean generally liked drinking and going out, but he hadn’t been able to drink since his heart-condition had come to light. Not to mention that college students were not really his scene. He preferred the dark, sleazy places where whiskey was cheap and women were too. But Sam would really rather have him there, because he hated to be separated from him, no matter how silly that was.

 

„We have been invited to a party this weekend“ he told Dean while they were watching TV that night. He hoped Dean would be distracted enough by his hair that he just agreed. Dean stopped petting his hair for a moment before he continued his ministrations.

 

„We as in both of us?“ Dean clarified.

 

„Yeah, Steve said I could bring my boyfriend.“ There was no reaction for a while, and Sam wondered if he had chosen the wrong moment to ask, but then Dean laughed.

 

„Fine, let’s go to that party. It will be fun.“

 

It wasn’t.

 

Right when they got to the party, Steve dragged Sam away while Dean got questioned by some of Jess’ friends. They were probably looking for gossip, especially Becky who had a bit of an unhealthy obsession with him. Sam missed Dean almost immediately after they were separated. It was ridiculous, really. He didn’t have to spend _every single minute_ with Dean.

 

So he focused on Steve and tried to enjoy the night talking to some other friends whom he had hardly ever seen since Dean moved in with him. It was good for him to talk to others for a change. He couldn’t help being bored by them, though. The talk about law, professors and who was banging whom really didn’t mean anything to him. In an effort to fight off the boredom he kept drinking. Somehow he always seemed to have a full cup in his hands.

 

Some time later (he couldn’t have said how much later) he was lying on some bed, giggling helplessly and completly drunk. He couldn’t remember how he had gotten in this state, but he couldn’t care less. Everything was floating and beautiful. Steve was somewhere at his side and unbuttoned his shirt, which had Sam giggling even harder. It was tickling and he couldn’t stop the laughing. Suddenly Steve was ripped away from his side and there was a lot of commotion. It was all going way too fast for Sam to make sense of it.

 

Suddenly Dean’ beautiful face was right in front of him. It was more an angry mask , but that didn’t faze his alcohol- dazzeled brain much. Finally he had his brother back whom he had missed the whole night. He grinned elated at the sight of his brother’s face and Dean’s expression softened a bit.

 

„De... De...“ Sam said reaching for his brother. It was a wonder he had never betrayed his feelings before, he was so obvious. Dean bent down and lifted him by his shirt. He was strong and easily dragged him into an upright position. Dean easily manhandled him down the stairs and out of the door. He was so strong, it was turning Sam on.

 

„I missed you“ Sam sighed into his brothers shoulder. „I love you.“

 

„I love you, too“ Dean sighed in answer.

 

The next morning Sam awoke, only remembering vaguely what had happened the night before. „Did you say you love me yesterday?“ he asked during breakfast, not trusting his memories.

 

„Yes.“ Dean confirmed harshly. A bit softer he added. „I always loved you.“ Sam wanted to say something, discuss the meaning of it, but Dean didn’t like chick flick moments, so Sam was not surprised when Dean changed the subject. „Never hang out with that Steve guy again or I might have to kill him.“


	10. Telling the family

_**Dean** _

****

They hadn’t heard from their father in a while and Dean hadn’t tried to contact him again after the last failed attempt. He had Sam and he didn’t need anyone else, even though he missed being a real family. The only one from his ‚old life’ (as he called it in his head) that called him from time to time was Bobby. The older man had always been like an uncle to them when they were smaller and now he seemed to be the only one besides Sam who cared about how he was doing, which Dean appreciated. They never really talked about his heart-condition, however, both being men who reacted to the question „How are you feeling?“ a bit like a demon to holy water. Instead they talked about their respective work, some lore (though not too much, Dean still missed hunting too much) and cars. But Dean knew if his condition worsened he could tell Bobby and the other man trusted him to do so.

 

One day, when Dean came home from work, he found Sam and Bobby sitting in the kitchen, nursing two coffees and discussing the possibility that angels existed, which was total bullshit, if you asked him. Dean didn’t even consider being suprised to see the older man, too happy that he was here. After only a short chick-flick moment (aka hug) when saying hello, they decided to go and have dinner.

 

In the first few days of having their arrangement Dean had always registered when Sam touched him, too unfamiliar with the concept of being touched in a loving way. He had also always registered when Sam kissed him on his temple, cheek or elsewere. But now the touches didn’t make it to his conciousness anymore, too familiar already, like a noise that you stop hearing, because it is constantly there. And he had started to reciprocate, though to a much lesser extent. He was hardly aware of how they looked together – and how different it was to before.

 

It came to him only when Bobby hesitated in front of his car and asked: „What is going on between you two? You were always close, but now... you are behaving like a couple.“

 

It was like an ice-cold shower to Dean, whose poor heart started beating wildly. Shocked beyond words and scared to loose the only man who still gave him some sort of fatherly love he looked to Sam for help. His brother looked back at him with the same helpless, shocked and scared expression. Dean didn’t want to deny it, however. If they were going through with this they had to tell Bobby too. It wouldn’t be fair. And if he decided to leave, then he still had Sam. So he steeled himself and said: „Because that’s what we are.“ Sam put a supporting arm around him. This was it. Maybe they would lose their family now, their only link to the past. But whatever would happen – they would always have each other’s back.

 

„I always knew your relationship had something unhealthy...“ Bobby sighed and looked at them a bit sad. He took his cap off and run a hand through his head, but when he put it back on, he didn’t look upset. „If you are happy, I guess that’s all that matters.“

 

„Thank you, Bobby“, Sam said honestly and warm. Dean would forever deny to have needed to blink away a tear or two.

 

Two weeks later Dean received a letter with all necessary papers a person could ever need, all with the name „Dean Singer“ on them. He guessed that forging papers was Bobby’s way of adopting him.

 

_**Sam** _

****

They hadn’t heard from their father in a while and Sam didn’t really miss him. It surprised him a little that even Dean hadn’t tried to contact him again. He worried sometimes about his brother who had always needed the warmth from a family much more than he did, even if it was a family as broken and screwed-up as they were. So Sam was relieved to know that he sometimes talked to Bobby, although never for long. None of them was much of a talker.

 

Still it took Sam by surprise, when he came home one night to find Bobby sitting in their tiny kitchen space. He had a coffee in front of him and was reading in a book.

 

„You do know that breaking in is a crime...“ Sam greeted him.

 

„Wanna sue me, lawyer boy?“ Sam laughed and hugged the man.

 

„I had a job near here and thought I would come and see how you boys were doing.“ They chatted while they waited for Dean and when he came home, they went to a diner to have dinner. It was almost like it had been when they were children.

 

There was a difference though and neither Sam nor Dean were aware of it until it was too late. Neither had realised how much Sam’s behaviour towards Dean had changed in the past few months. They hadn’t realised that they almost constantly touched each other. Dean had stopped tensing at the touch a long time ago. And Sam had stopped waiting for refusal a long time ago.

 

When they stood outside the restaurant, next to Bobby’s car, their old friend hesitated to get in and scrached his beard nervously. At last he threw them a long glance and asked: „What is going on between you two?“ Unaware of how he seemed to the outside, Sam shook his head confused and shrugged. „You were always close, but now... you are behaving like a couple.“

 

For a moment they stood there speechless and afraid, Sam looking at his brother for help. He would come out, but he was afraid of doing so against Dean’s wishes. The other wouldn’t take it well to loose the only contact to his former life. Dean looked just as helpless, but then he tensed and said: „Because that’s what we are.“ Sam put an arm around him to show him that he had his back and would stay at his side, no matter the reaction they would get. It didn’t work very well – Dean stayed tense.

 

„I always knew your relationship had something unhealthy...“ Bobby sighed and looked at them a bit sad. He took the cap off and run a hand through his hair in a gesture that was so familiar to Sam even after all these years of not seeing the other. „If you are happy, I guess that’s all that matters.“

 

„Thank you, Bobby“, Sam said honestly. He knew it meant the world to Dean to have someone have their back. And he himself was relieved too.

 

Two weeks later Dean received a letter with all necessary papers a person could ever need, all with the name „Dean Singer“ on them. Sam knew it was not only a show of approval, but also a way for them to stay under the radar for being incestuous. It wouldn’t hold up to real scrutiny, but for now it made him feel a bit safer


	11. Holding hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters because they are very short. And that is the end... Thank you very much for reading my little story! 
> 
> And if anyone feels inspired to write a story with a similar concept, please let me know! I would love to read it.

_**Dean** _

__

Bobby’s words kept replaying in Dean’s head. ‚If you are happy, I guess, that’s all that matters.’ He was. Happy. His new mundane, boring life with a job, a tiny flat and Sam made him happy. Especially Sam. Even when they fought – and they were still brothers and very different and faught a lot – being with Sam made him happy.

 

When he had come to California, he had wanted to be with his brother because there was no other place for him to go. And now... he lived with his boyfriend and all that domestic shit. He woke up ever morning in Sam’s arms. And every time Sam left the apartment he gave Dean a quick kiss on the temple or cheek. And sometimes they forgot to watch their movie in order to make out.

 

The didn’t have sex, although Dean could tell Sam was often aroused when they made out. But he never pressed or complained and Dean was very grateful for his respect. Sometimes, he thought, that one day he could even imagine having sex with Sam, although that day was still a while away. He did talk with his doctor about the issue though and they planned to experiment with another medication.

 

Step by step Sam had introduced him to his friends. Although they didn’t really seem to be close to Sam Dean tried to be nice to them. He would never get used to that circle, but for Sam he would put up with it – and much more.

 

They were on the way to meet said friends to ‚hang out’ in a park. Dean was considering turning around and leaving to buy some beer, because these college kids probably hadn’t brought some, when Sam half turned around and sent him a smile so beautiful that it made his poor heart beat impossibly faster. The image of Sam, surrounded by the light of the sun, in the green park, with that happy smile in his face would forever be burned in his memory. Without thinking about it, his hand found Sam’s. It was the first time they held hands and he didn’t coplain about it or pulled away, but Dean didn’t even realise it until later. And Sam, well Sam never let go of his hand for the whole afternoon.

 

_**Sam** _

****

Bobby’s words kept replaying in Sam’s head. ‚If you are happy, I guess that’s all that matters.’ He was. Happy. Being with Dean was everything, no much much more, than he ever imagined. The chance to be able to touch him anytime, to make sure he was still there, the fact that he felt so cared for and taken care of... It made Sam extremly happy, even on bad days.

 

He hadn’t thought that a life like this could ever be possible and he hated himself for being grateful that Dean’s heart had a problem. He could hold Dean during the night, share silly jokes with him, watch movies and let him pet his hair. Sometimes they even made out, and maybe it was just Sam’s hopeful imagination, but he had the impression their make-out sessions turned longer and more heated over time. He didn’t expect sex and although he did miss it, he would never go there if Dean didn’t make the first step. This was the last taboo and he wouldn’t break it. But he enjoyed their shared kisses immensly and if they were a few seconds longer every day he was the last to complain.

 

They were on the way to the park while Sam mused about this. It put him in a good mood, even though they were meeting with his friends. He knew exactly that Dean only ‚put up’ with them for his sake and didn’t really like them. He hoped that someday they would make common friends whose company Dean like, too. For the moment he was grateful that he was the only one who could tell what Dean really thought.

 

He glanced back at Dean who was beautiful and although he clearly (to Sam) loathed to be here. He shined in a way Sam had never seen before, as if he was truly happy. The sight made Sam smile equally happy. And as if it was nothing, Dean slipped his hand in Sam’s. And life was just perfect, in that single moment.


End file.
